Cyndie's Journey...

Time Flies

2011-01-25T15:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I promised to be better about blogging and here I am, nearly a year later and I am just now posting something on my site! What a bad writer I am!! Well, the good news is, I am almost three years out from the surgery that changed my life and I am maintaining my weight at around 130 lbs. I flucuate a little above every now and then, but when I do, I'm usually pretty good about getting it under control and getting the weight back down. In September, I went for my checkup and I was at 129 lbs., so I'm right where I am supposed to be and still in a size 6/7 pants.

Life has changed a lot in some ways - Brittany graduated high school and is working part time for now until she can figure out what it is she wants to do with the rest of her life. She has been in a relationship with a young man named Gabe for about 6 or 7 months now. Not sure what their future holds, but that is her decision and I stay out of it.

Lou is still Lou. He broke his arm at the end of last summer playing baseball. X-rays showed a tumor on his wrist. So, he decided to take the cast off before he was supposed to and I don't think the arm has healed correctly. He had surgery on the tumor about 8 weeks ago and is still a little sensitive from that as well. With all the issues on his wrist, he has not been able to work out and play racquetball like he was and for the first time in his life, he has put on about 30 lbs. and is now starting to struggle with weight issues. I hate to sound mean, but I'm kind of glad in some ways because now he can see how hard it is to lose weight and how miserable and ugly he made me feel sometimes.

He is still working and got to take a couple of trips to Iowa and Texas for his job. He had a blast at the last trip, a conference in Austin but he put on 11 lbs. in 3 days from all the foods that all the vendors were putting out for everyone that attending the large conference put on by John Deere.

I am still working, doing well and living life day by day. Some days, especially in Winter, are hard for me as I struggle with depression. The good thing is, I recognize it for what it is and am able to cope and usually get myself out of it. I worry that Brittany is showing tendancies toward this affliction as well and that scares me. For anyone that's never had that feeling of sadness and hopelessness for no reason, they cannot understand. But, many people suffer from this and I'm glad it's getting more & more out there so that more people can seek help for it.

So, I won't promise to stay better about blogging from here on out. I still struggle with the sugar and carb cravings. I will always have to deal with these issues, I'm sure. The holidays seemed tougher this year. But, so far I am winning the fight and determined to keep the weight off and keep healthy. Good eating my friends, til next time....

I'm back, now what? (April 21, 2010)

2010-04-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

I honestly had forgotten I even had this site, although I love to write and keep in touch, I guess I forgot because the weight loss is no longer "new" and exciting and now is just a way of life. With that said, I must confess that the eating habits have started to change and I have gained a few pounds. I was quite happy at 125 lbs. although some people told me I was too "skinny". Yeah, right. A size 6 is not too skinny. I now waver around 132-133 lbs. and it's annoying the hell out of me. That fear of gaining the 100 lbs. I lost is back with a vengeance and yet, I find, I feel like BEFORE I lost all the weight, out of control and unable to make smart choices. I find myself hungry all of the time...I don't understand that. That's how I was before I had the weight loss surgery...how can I be hungry when I just ate and my stomach can only hold a portion of what it did before? So, I am mentally trying to make myself accept that I need to eat like I was before - Limiting my portion size and staying away from all the sweets and carbs...it's so wierd to me to be craving carbs...crackers? Really? There's got be be something out there that's much more interesting and flavorful than crackers for God's sake...yet, at night I go absolutely stir crazy if I don't get them. So, that is my daily battle right now.

The past five or six months have done it's toll on me emotionally. It seemed we had just one crappy thing after another going on. My old car broken down so we borrowed money and then the new car broke down. We had to then pay $2000 for it to get fixed. We sold it and now have bought me a new (used) 2006 Toyota Camry Solara. I love it!!! The only down side is, I now have a car payment that I can't afford. Brittany also got a ticket which cost me another $815 bucks plus we had to pay taxes because EDD didn't take taxes out of the old man's unemployment checks nor did the temp agency he was working for the first three months he worked at his new job. Many other things have happened, which I won't go into on here, but that have wreaked havoc on my emotional well being. So, my current goal is to get myself back to a stable life and move on from the past and start looking forward to the future again, which is something I don't do right now. I can't remember the last time I truly laughed...hard enough to make me red in the face and snort! I need some laughter in my life!

Some good things are coming my way that I'm excited about - my brother is coming to California to visit me and his son at the end of this month. I haven't seen him in about 5 years, so I am very excited to see him. I wish his wife was coming too - I love her, she's a sweetheart and she's so good for my brother and good for our family. I'm very happy for my brother that he's got such a great wife! The 2nd thing I'm excited for, besides Brittany's graduation from high school (Hallelujah!!) is that I get to take off for a week to Montana and visit with one of my closest friends. I am so excited to see her. to get away for a week and forget the worries that plague me at home, to spend some time in the clean, open air, to just be able to breathe for a change. She and I are going to have a great time, even if we end up sitting in her back yard! lol...Isn't that what friends are for? I bet I will return to California refreshed and ready to face reality again...well, maybe...ha ha

I think that if the sun ever decides to stay out for more than two days, my sour mood will turn into a happy grin again and I am hopeful that I will then lose this desire I have right now to munch all day long. In fact, right at this minute, I know that there are protien bars and SpecialK crackers about 3 feet from me and I so desperately want to go munch on both of them, but I am not going to allow that. I would go for a walk along the levee, but it is raining right now...Maybe I will write a couple of letters during the 2nd half of my lunch before getting busy back on some paperwork.

Hopefully, it won't take me another five months to update my blog again...lol. Leave me some comments so that I know people actually read this...much love til next time...

Turkey Day is coming! (11-15-2009)

2009-11-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's that time of year again - turkey day, with all the trimmings...This year, we are not inviting a bunch of family over, so I'm going to cook a much smaller version of everything, which is great because I won't have all the leftovers hanging around, waiting for me to nibble on them. I did order an apple pie, though....so, I'm going to see about cutting it in half, cooking half and freezing the rest for another day. Sweets tend to be my weakness....always have been and always will be, I'm afraid. I am still maintaining my weight. Today, I weigh 127 lbs. I was at 129 and that scared the hell out of me, so I've been being a good good (well, except for the tiny little brownie I just had) and have gotten two pounds back off. I struggle with the crackers, so I'm afraid I am just going to have to eliminate them entirely from my house. Lou loves to eat crackers with dinner, but he is going to have to give them up for awhile. I just can't control myself. When they are here, I will not eat five or ten of them, I will eat the entire roll of them. In the matter of an hour. It's bad. Really bad. Wasted calories with absolutely no nutritional value. Not a good thing and not what I have been training myself to eat. So, bye bye crackers...I love you, but it's time for us to go our separate ways. Fatten up someone else, you're just not good for me!

My poor daughter has been going through some major stress over the past couple of weeks, with breaking up with her boyfriend - well, they are not officially "broken up". They are merely taking a break. Seeing her sad and crying breaks my heart and when I need comforting, it is easy to go back to the old tried and true comforts -- food. But, I am trying to keep from doing that and grabbing something to drink instead. Or gum. Gum is a good alternative, because it gives my mouth something to do and when my breath is minty fresh, I'm usually not in a hurry to put food in it.

Lou went out of town for a week and I was so good when he was gone - I don't even cook, really, because Brittany was out with friends or refusing to eat, so it was just me. I can get by on small meals, although I did have one dinner one night which consisted of a tortilla bread and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. It filled me up, gave me some comfort but provided no nutritional value. But, it was only one night....so, I don't feel too guilty. I've also still been taking the biotin, and my nails are really starting to grow now. My hair too, although it has come back in twice as curly as it was before, which I have a love/hate relationship with. Trying to straighten it is just impossible for me. I've never mastered the art of straightening my hair, so the curliness has to be tolerated. I've cut it short, just above the shoulders and Lou is not liking it. But, I did it for me and I like it. Besides, I am 46 years old now....I don't necessarily need the long hair anymore. However, I cut it because the bottom portion was so danged stringy. Now, I am letting it grow out since it is thickening up. No where near as thick as it used to be, but that is a GOOD thing. And, it's curly but not frizzy like it used to be either, which I love. My skin is also getting really nice now - several people have commented about how healthy it is looking and that I look younger and glowing. I have really been doing my cleaning regimen on an everyday basis. Plus, now that my weight has leveled out, I find that the fat that is left over is redistributing more evenly over my body, which makes me look healthier. For awhile, my top half was looking too thin and bony, but it is leveling out now, which is nice. A part of me misses the boniness though, just because it made me feel like I looked thinner. The funny thing is, I still have days where I FEEL fat (today is one of them!). I look in the mirror and I see the tummy fat that won't go away without plastic surgery (yah, I have money for THAT to happen). Sometimes, I forget the journey that I have traveled, because I'm 18 months out and this new body is now my norm. When I go to shop, I still sometimes head to the Lane Bryant store before I realize I don't need nor can I shop there anymore. I will go to regular clothing and grab a size 6 and think that there's no way that will fit me, only to try it on and it be a little loose! It's a wonderful feeling, of course, but still strange. Sometimes, it seems like a dream. I used to go to bed at night and lie there and daydream about what it would be like to be thin, never really thinking it would be a possibility. Being thin and losing the weight was so hard without the bypass surgery - I couldn't do it. It was overwhelming and I was always so hungry and miserable. If I was lucky, I would lose 20 lbs. and then give up, binge and gain 30 back. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a chance at life. A wonderful opportunity to keep this weight off and be healthy.

Well, until next time ya'll. Have a happy Thanksgiving, enjoy yourselves and love and kisses to you all and your families...

Love & hugs,

Cyndie

Fall is Here (09.18.09)

2009-09-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Fall is here and I am so ready!! Well, technically, the weather is still warm, but my mind is already telling me it's time for a change. Baseball season for my husband just ended, which is always the biggest sign that summer is coming to an end. Brittany is playing softball in a Sacramento Wednesday night league, which is something new for us, but we are loving it.

I am proud to report that I had my 18-month check up and I was 126 lbs., which is close enough to my 1-year weight of 124 lbs. that I am quite happy with that. I also did the 5-day pouch test and it was difficult, but I did it. I relapsed yesterday, buying some of those Special K crackers that you get 17-crackers for 90 calories and promptly overloaded on two thirds of the entire box! lol....But, I've jumped back on the wagon today and have eaten healthy, although today I am having a hard time of it because I am wanting those carbs like no other. Fortunately, I am going to my friends Pampered Chef party tonight and will not be sitting around the house trying to avoid the 1/3 box of crackers that are calling my name so loudly, I can hear it from here and I'm at work. That's a very loud yell!!

Life has definitely improved lately, with Lou working. A big stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I find, to my utter dismay, that I like to eat just as much when I'm happy as when I'm stressed out. The difference is, I am more able to contain myself and fight the old habits that want to come back when I am busy and I am happy. Boredom remains all of ours worst enemies and having weight loss surgery does not change that. This week, I have been gone from home every night of the week and that keeps me focused on eating healthy, when I have to actually THINK about what I'm going to eat instead of randomly popping food into my mouth. Junk food is just way too much pressure and not even something I enjoy any more.

Yesterday, I had a rough afternoon. The early part of the day was fine, and I was working with our consultant, which keeps me busy. However, the afternoon turned ugly when I backed into my bosses truck as I was leaving work. There's no excuse for it. I was STUPID!! I even noticed he was parked further back than usual. However, I sat down in my car, was messing with my radio and my cell phone, thinking about what I needed to get at the store and wondering if I had enough money on me to get what I needed and then promptly backed into his truck. Fortunately, it didn't do any damage to his vehicle except a little scratch on the bumper. My car, however, has a long gash on the back door on the drivers side. So, I was so pissed at myself and I was hungry because I'd forgot to bring any snacks to work yesterday, so I stopped at Target to get what I needed for dinner and saw the box of crackers and the rest, my friends, is history. When I got home, I'd already eaten a third of the box (and Target is like one mile from my front door!). I tried making some home made biscuits, which turned out saltier than I liked, then I promptly spilled cherry kool-aid all over my foot and the kitchen floor. So, I ate dinner and I went to bed at 7pm, just so I wouldn't do any more damage to myself. Oh, and I had an ice cream cone too ... and I'm not talking diet, either. So, thank goodness yesterday was a rare day and today has been a good day so far and I've followed my dietary guidelines without issue. It's amazing how just having the right foods on hand helps. Too bad I couldn't have had this train of thought BEFORE I got fat. But, I know I'm not alone in that battle.

I hope this blog helps any of you that need a little extra boost now and then and I hope that you understand that we all struggle. Even people that have had surgery still have struggles. Gastric bypass or weight loss surgery is not a cure-all. We all still have to struggle to maintain that weight loss once our bodies heal and those old habits fight hard to come back. This is a battle we will have the rest of our lives. The surgery is our tool to help us, but it requires work and dedication on our part to make that tool work the right way.

Happy Fall everyone! I hope you all are enjoying the slightly cooler weather and are looking forward to the coming holidays....wait, did I say holidays??? OHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!

Til next time ...

Hello People (August 11, 2009)

2009-08-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hello there - and welcome back to my blog. All in life is going peachy (since they happen to be in season right now...hee hee). Lou is still working away (Loving it!!) and enjoying his new job. Brittany and Matt are doing great and she's getting ready to start her senior year of high school (Yikes!!) on Thursday and I'm continuing to eat like food is going out of style!!

Yes, I'm still fighting those dratted "boredom munchies". You know, where even though you're busy at work, your still restless and so you pop in a few crackers or a couple of gummi bears and before you know it, you've eaten non-stop for hours? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Today has been one of those days, but I was actually able to lose two pounds over the past few days and am comfortably at 126 lbs. as of this morning. My next doctors appointment (18 months!) is next month and I am determined to weigh the same (124) or less than when I had my one-year check up. It's a goal that I'm setting. I went online yesterday and ordered "The 5-day Pouch Test" by Kaye Bailey. It's a program that's supposed to detox gastric bypass patients when they've fallen off the protein-wagon. I've gotten way too comfy with those carbs and crackers and fruit are bad, bad, bad to me. Well, I love em. And they taste great. And eating so much protein all the time gets sooooo boring. And, I'm really good about making excuses, aren't I? Pretty impressive, I bet you're thinking. But, when I think about it, I think I'm doing almost every thing right. I'm recognizing when I'm starting to get out of control and doing something about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse. Besides, I have a wedding to go to next Saturday and I plan on looking radiant!! My only drawback is, my hubby is playing ball that day and can't go with me. And, Brittany's gonna be off with Matt, so I need a date. A female date. Any takers? Actually, with the exception of being nervous about driving home from somewhere out in the boonies late at night by myself, I'm cool with going by myself to this wedding because this is a family I know very well and I get to see one of my best friends ever!!! And, I haven't seen her in almost two years so I'm very excited about getting to spend time with her and the good thing is, when I'm busy and out visiting, I hardly eat at all so I'll be sure to not be all bloated and miserable by Saturday! ha ha!!

So, just thought I'd post a little something on here to let you all know I'm doing well. Weights well, health is well (as far as I know, haven't heard on my liver enzymes) and work is well, albeit a tad busy these days. Which is good, it makes the time pass quicker. Love and kisses til next time....

Yes, I'm still here...(07/22/2009)

2009-07-22T14:41:00.001-07:00

Hello world...yes, I'm still here and life has suddenly taken a turn for the better! It's funny, isn't it, how the emotional side of life is what seems to effect everything else in our lives. The greatest news we've had is that Lou finally found a job. And, not only did he find a job, but it's actually a GOOD job and he's liking it. So far, so good! He started on July 6th and life is suddenly infinitely better! I can actually pay a few bills without wondering if we'll have food on the table by the end of the month. For me, not having a lot of food is okay, but for Lou and Brittany, that becomes an issue.

I am remaining the same, weight wise, but my brain still tells me I am fat. I go back and forth on this carb roller-coaster which absolutely drives me insane. I go back and forth between 123-127 lbs. Normal people have fluctuations in their weight, just like I do. The minute that scale hits 126 or 127, I go into panic mode. But, within a day or two I have the weight back down a few pounds. I am still a scale whore. I'm on there every morning and every night. I don't plan on changing that. It keeps me honest with myself. And, it makes me focus on eating healthy throughout the day. I've been tired lately. More than tired, actually. I've been exhausted. I was thinking about that today and wondering why. I am getting in my minimal amount of proteins per day, BUT I am having them with my protein smoothie every morning and then I don't have much protein the rest of the day. That is where I think I am failing right now. I need to back away quickly from those dreaded carbs again and focus on 75% of what I eat is supposed to be protein. Plus, although 50grams of protein is my minimum requirements, I should be eating about 90-100grams of protein a day by now. Instead, I am filling up on calories that don't do my body good. So, time again to refocus on the health issues and not the hunger cravings. And, sugar. Oh Lordy...we won't go there. Let's just say, miniature candy bars and low fat ice cream are too much temptation for this little sugar ho!!!

So, healthwise, I still have a few issues I am battling, but nothing major. I went in for my yearly female physical and all came out well there, even the mammogram. Well, two mammograms actually. The doctor wanted to take a second set of x-rays because of "shadowing" in the first set of films. He told me I have "busy" breasts...lol. Basically, I have a lot of patterns and veins running through them. I told him it wasn't nice of him to flatten them when they've already gone through enough abuse over the past year with the weight loss. Thank goodness they don't point to the ground, at least! Let's just say, they're not fluffy anymore! lol

The only think that came back a little sketchy were my blood tests. For one, my potassium was a bit low so they put me on a pill for that. Problem solved there. The 2nd thing, my liver enzymes were a bit high. Now, this could be caused from the vicodin I take nightly for my fibromyalgia pain. However, remember I was popping these things like candy during the six weeks I had that stent in for the kidney stones. So, by taking so many of them and them being mixed with acetaminophen, well that can cause elevated liver enzymes. So, they changed my prescription to a different med called Norco and I am also taking some pills I bought over the counter called "Liver Detox" which is supposed to help your liver function better. I am supposed to go get blood tests this week, so I'll have to do that sometime this week or next. Hopefully, the next set of tests come back with a more normal liver enzyme count. If not, they will do an ultrasound of my liver and depending what that says, have me see a gastroenterologist. Whew...that was a mouthful. Anyways, I'm tired of doctors so I'm hoping the tests come back better. But, we'll see, I guess.

Brittany is working with me at my job. She was responsible for cleaning out this little house we call the apartment, which we use for storage and then she is in the process of painting it. She has complained every step of the way. She absolutely hates the work. She likes the money, but not the work. She makes me crazy. She was originally supposed to work from 8-2 every day, but I am luck if I get four hours out of her. Her car is also broken down right now, so she is using mine while I drive one of the company pickups. I like driving the truck - it's kind of fun. But, she complains about her car being broke down too. Teenagers....nothing is good enough, you know? lol

So, that's it. I am still keeping the weight off. Recently, I heard a comment was made about me that I would be fat again in four years, just wait and see. I was so livid when I heard that comment. Why do people feel the need to hurt people? Obviously, my goal is not to be fat again in four years. But, on the chance that I am, what difference does this make to the person that made this comment? Fat or thin, I'm still me. I'm still the same little sarcastic, wise ass little blond that I have always been and will always be. My weight doesn't change anything. For every insecurity I had as a fat person, I have just as many for being a thin person. I could sit and pick apart my self and list all my many flaws. As far as that goes, I could pick apart just about any one and list their flaws. But, I would never do that. I don't know. Sometimes, I just don't get people. Why can't they just be supportive? Like the saying goes, "If you can't say something positive, just don't say anything at all". That's what I try to live by. I don't always succeed, but I never purposely set out to hurt anyone.

There's no crackers left in my office....and I'm going CRAZY!! I want them so bad....I'm a crackaholic...no, wait....that sounds totally bad! Let's change that to carbaholic...yeah, that works...lol

Til next time ...

Wow, it's been awhile (05/15/09)

2009-05-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

They say that time flies when you're having fun - well, unbeknownst to me, I must have been having a blast because it's been five months since my last post on here! Wow!! So, a lot has gone one since January - I don't know if I can remember it all and more importantly, convey it on here!

Much has changed in my life since January, yet some things remain the same. I guess I will address some of the personal changes, which will then lead in to my current struggles and triumphs. So, as I posted earlier - my husband got laid off from him job back in November. Nothing has changed on that front. He is still not working.

My daughter has found a new boyfriend and she is "in love". I think this will be the boy she marries some day. I can't describe what is different in this relationship, but it is definitely different. I am, emotionally, having a very hard time with this. I feel neglected and unloved. I know that is stupid and I know that she loves me. She is doing what she is supposed to be doing. She is growing up. But, I have dedicated my whole life to this child and now, suddenly, she doesn't need me and I am lost. My first impulse? To eat. Or, to put it in the correct terms, to eat everything I can stuff down my throat and then try to stuff some more. I'll go into this in more detail later.

Kidney stones: They're finally gone! I underwent two lithotripsy procedures, both which were pretty uncomfortable. Well, actually, the only thing that was really bad was the stent which I wore for six weeks. This is a tube that went from my kidney to my bladder to aid in the stones being able to pass. All it did was put pressure on my bladder, which in turn caused a lot of pain AND often, to cause me to pee my pants. So, on the 28th of April, they did another x-ray and the awful stent was removed!! Quite the experience, both because there was no way I could have any sense of modesty when you're spread eagle on a table with nothing covering you and because, after being in there for six weeks, the dratted stent had made itself pretty comfy and it hurt like hell to remove! Ugh! I hope to never go through any of that ever again.

So, there have been lots of other things going on in my life over the past five months, some very good, some not. But, this blog is more about my struggles with weight and my journey in losing the weight and keeping it off. So, this is where I'm at right now.

I love carbs. There's no denying it. Like most, if not all gbs patients, carbs go down easy and they taste sooooo good. So, that is what I am struggling with. Now, if I tell you my weight and size, you will simply look at me and say, "what are you struggling with?". So, here goes - I'm 126 lbs. and I'm in a size 4/5 pants. My goal was 125 lbs., which I reached back in November. So, according to the numbers, I'm doing great.

My brain does not agree. Realistically, I'm right where I am supposed to be. BUT....I had gotten down to 119 lbs. right after the first lithotripsy procedure. I even felt I was too thin at that weight. At the 2nd lithotripsy, I was 121 lbs. Still great. Over the course of the past two weeks, I've suddenly jumped up to 129 lbs. I've managed to lose three of those and am determined to get back down to 120 lbs. To most, 3-5 lbs. is not a big deal. To me, it is EVERYTHING. I am sooo terrified of gaining any weight back, I'd rather be underweight that one pound over my goal. It's how my brain works nowadays. People can tell me I'm too skinny or too bony and I feel PROUD. Yes, it's true. I don't care if it's true - I'm not fat, and that's all that matters.

I am struggling with my daughter growing up. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for me and it seems like it has happened overnight. I love her boyfriend. He is a sweetheart and he treats her wonderfully. I'm happy for her. I really am. But, I'm lost now. I've lost my best friend. Fortunately, I have some adult best friends that help me tremendously to keep my head above water when I feel like giving up.

My job brought in a consultant to go through our processes and help me learn some cost accounting stuff. That's all fine and dandy. But, I take it personally and feel stupid. Realistically, it's a great benefit to me because I'm learning something new and that can only benefit me in the future. And, honestly, it's actually fun to learn some new stuff. But, I still feel stupid. That's something I hate about myself. I need that self confidence. So, what do I want to do when I'm down on myself? Eat!! Do you see the trend here?

So, that is where I'm at these days. I'm struggling to get back on track and stop the all-day snacking because that is going to catch up with me in the end. I have found that I can eat some sugars way too easily, so I am staying away from them at all costs. My blood pressure has been running low, so the docs are watching that. I went from having a pressure of 155/100 to 98/65. I get dizzy easily, especially if I stand up too quickly.

So, that's about it. I am now on the maintaining phase of this amazing journey and although I struggle from day to day, this is the way my life will be for the rest of my days. These are the same struggles most women go through. I am fortunate that I have been blessed with this surgery that makes this struggle a little easier. It's not the cure-all, but it is my tool to make it through this journey as the winner. Now, if I can just figure out how to handle all the emotional sides of things these days, all in life will be golden...

Til next time ....

I made it through the holidays (01/09/09)

2009-01-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I am happy to report that I made it through the holidays and have lost about 3 lbs. in the process. I now weigh my goal weight of 125 lbs. It's exciting to actually see that on the scale, yet I stare in disbelief some days, unable to comprehend that it's a reality now. My mother-in-law bought me a nice suit/dress in a size 6. I looked at it and thought for sure that there was no way it was going to fit, especially on top. But, I tried it on and it fit perfectly. I was elated!!

Our Thanksgiving was wonderful and the food turned out excellently. I enjoyed every bite and I sent most of the leftovers home with my niece and her room mates. My husband is obsessed with leftovers - if they are in the refrigerator, he wants to eat them, even if it means every meal of the day. I, on the other hand, will only eat something twice. And, even then, it has to be really good (like pot roast or turkey) for me to want to eat it a 2nd time. I eventually end up throwing food away so that I can cook something else without having to listen to my husband rant & rave about there being leftovers in the refrigerator.

Christmas was good - the food didn't quite turn out as planned, but again I sent it home with my niece who appreciated every morsel. I have found myself fighting with some old habits, like wanting to graze or snack on foods. I especially love my crackers still and for awhile there, I go away from the fat-free ones and was eating the regular saltines. I also got out of the habit of limiting how many I had as well as drinking my protein shakes. So, this week I have started back on the protein shakes each morning and am limiting what I eat to 5 times a day. I think it's just the winter time and my being bored with the weather. Today, the sun is actually shining and I may even go for a walk along the levee during my lunch hour.

New Years was quiet and we just stayed home. We sat up and watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve which has been our routine for many years. I think I finally fell asleep around 1am. Brittany and her girlfriend stayed up with us and we drank a margarita and they, too, were in bed pretty early. I was glad she stayed home so I didn't have to worry about her being on the road with drunk drivers.

I cut my hair so that it's now shoulder length and colored it a mixture of dark blonde, light blonde and red. I really like the color. The length is much easier for me to deal with and it seems like I'm losing less, but that could just be because there's not so much to comb through. It's still very thin and doesn't style at all, so I just put gel in it and push it back. It looks okay for the moment. I think I may end up cutting it just a little shorter, even though Lou and Britt don't want me to.

I'm having an upset stomach off and on for the past several weeks. I think it could be stress and I think that I sometimes push the limits of what my pouch can hold. However, I'm still losing weight and doing well, so I can't possibly be over eating. I've had a couple incidences of vomiting (my pouch does NOT like key lime pie), especially with sweets. If they are natural sweets, like cherries or grapes, I usually do okay. But, refined sugars are a big no-no. Honestly, that's how I want my body to react so that I will stay away from those types of sugars. I still think of myself as a diabetic and am making good food choices. I'm also very religious about taking my vitamins and mineral supplements. My skin, with the help of my Mary Kay skin care, is doing great. It's much less oily and it just looks really smooth.

Well, that's where I'm at for now. I hope everyone had a great holiday off. I had two weeks off of work, which was wonderful in some ways because it was nice to sleep in and do what i wanted, but boring as well because we're broke and it's cold and ugly outside, so there wasn't much to do. I am reading the Twilight series of books and am on book 4, so that kept me busy at least part of the time.

Enjoy your January Ya All!

Til next time....

Winters Coming (11/21/08)

2008-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hello all - been awhile since I've posted, but not a lot, weight wise, to contribute. However, health wise is a different story! I went to work as usual on November 4th and had lunch - I started feeling kind of nauseas and icky, but couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong. Went to my month GBS meeting in Sacramento with my friend Cathy and kept telling her my stomach wasn't feeling quite right. Well, when I got home, the hubby dropped a bomb on me - he'd been laid off from work that day. So, in my moment of tears and panic, my stomach started hurting even more. I went to bed as usual and woke up around 2am with a burning on my right side and stomach not feeling good. Took a vicodin and went back to sleep. Got up and ate a graham cracker around 6am and then the pain came back 10 fold. Had Lou take me to the ER and they did an ultrasound and said my gall bladder was infected and they were afraid it was going to turn into gangrene. So, at 3pm I was in surgery and at 10pm that night they sent me home! The good news is, I no longer have to worry about the gallstones that I've apparently had for years AND since Lou lost his job, he didn't have to miss any work to stay home and take care of me for a few days. I stayed home the rest of the week and went back to work on the 10th. I was pretty tired, but healing well.

I am hovering between 127 - 129 lbs., which is fine. I'm not focused on hitting that "125" mark any more. I actually feel like I'm getting a little too thin in certain areas although I still have a GUT!! I don't think that is ever going to go away unless I get plastic surgery, which certainly is not an option right now. I am planning on getting to the gym soon, as my friend Traci has asked me to work out with her and I'm tired of Brittany being able to overpower me now since I've lost so much of my muscle because I'm not doing any strength training.

The holidays are quickly approaching and I'm surprised that I'm not stressing at all over what to eat. I know my limits and for the first time ever, I am able to stay within them. I can eat sugar with little recourse, but I don't crave it like I used to. I did have some chocolate pie the other night (about a 1 inch sliver) that was to die for! But, again, I didn't crave it. It was there and I ate it and now its gone (the rest of the family wolfed it down) and I don't miss it. I'm actually craving the roast turkey and mashed potatoes more than anything. And even then, I will focus mostly on the turkey. The rest of the food is for the family that's coming over, not for me. That's the way it usually is anyways. I'm cooking, like always, so it should be fun. And, Britt's got a friend coming over and Brianna's bringing a friend over too. So, I'll have enough people over to keep me entertained. I think I'm even going to make some Margarita's (or daiquiries) for everyone. I figure the more the merrier!! My only regret is that I don't have a dining room in my house - I wish we had a formal room to eat in that had a table big enough to sit 10 people. Oh well, in my next life, when I'm born rich, beautiful AND intelligent - I'll have all that! ha ha

My biggest craving these days is iced tea with splenda. I love sweet tea!! I've even allowed myself the tea that is not decaf, even though we're supposed to only drink decaf and with my heart palpitations, I'm supposed to have decaf. It's a pain in the butt to always have to boil my own, so I get the bottled Tejava tea that's unsweetened. I love it!! It's good stuff maynard!

Well, enjoy your holidays everyone. All is well here!! love & kisses til next time...

I'm angry & I want to eat!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2008-10-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

So, the past two or three weeks have been nothing but stress for me and today, I was pushed to the limit by dealing with AT&T and all I want to do is eat!! I realize now just how much I relied on food to sooth my weary soul! I went online today to set up my payment for my phone bill for November 10th. Instead the damned website took my payment and processed it today! Now, I have to play hoola-hoops with my other payments because I can't pay them until I get paid next week. I am soooooooooo tired of dealing with money issues. I'm tired of working my ass off to barely pay the bills. We can't afford to do anything. Even going out to dinner anymore, as a family, is too expensive. We're not big spenders, we don't travel, we don't have exorbitant tastes in anything. I spend money on normal things a family needs - food and clothing and shelter. Yes, we have direct TV. OMG! We're so selfish like that!! Our cars are old and nothing fancy. How do all these people do it that only have the man working???? We make good money and yet, we struggle every month to make ends meet. Yes, we have a lot of credit card debt. How else can I afford clothes for me and Brittany? I had to buy new clothes with my weight loss. There was no option there. I went down seven sizes. I couldn't make what I had fit any more. I even bought a lot of my clothes off of e-bay. I cook dinner every night and I eat leftovers or soup for lunch. I don't go out to eat. Oh wait, I get my nails done every two or three weeks and that costs me $15. Well, that explains everything right there. Okay, I know I'm being negative. I need to get it out of my system and I can't go eat something. I am not going to get back into those old habits. I just wish, for once in my life, I could afford the things I want and not have to struggle. I have a good life but money takes all of the joy out of it. I'm stressed ALL THE TIME and with that stress, I become a total raving bitch. I get jealous, I get resentful. What can I possibly do to make my life better and not work myself into an early grave??? Ugh. You know what I want? I want to sit down with a plate full of brownies and vanilla ice cream smothered in caramel sauce. That's what the old me would have done. You know what, though? It actually doesn't even sound appealing. And I'd be sooooo sick if I even tried. Sometimes it's tempting though. I just know I'd end up feeling worse - both physically ill and the guilt of doing something like that after working so hard to lose nearly 100 lbs. would tear me up. So, I guess I have to keep on keeping on. I have no choice. And, tonight I have doctors appointments and then am helping my sister-in-law with some paperwork on health insurances. What I really want is to go sit in a hot tub so my aching back will stop hurting. My kidney stones have been causing me a great deal of pain today too. Wow....I'm one miserable piece of work, aren't I? lol...okay, enough of my venting. Till next time....

2008-10-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ah, Wednesday...one step closer to the weekend! It has been a busy week already with lots to do every night of the week. This evening my daughter has a powderpuff game at 7:30, so at least I will have time to make dinner before heading over to the high school. I'm a little concerned because they are playing the senior girls and one of the girls has got it out for Brittany. She's heard that she has talked a group of the seniors into tackling Brittany at one time. The thing is, this girl stole Brittany's boyfriend from her back in May so I don't understand why this girl has a grudge against Brittany when SHE is the one that did the backstabbing. Granted, Brittany hasn't exactly been friendly to her (well, duh) but Britt hasn't done anything to her. So, it will be interesting to see how the evening plays itself out and if mama bear here has to get involved. Let's hope not - it's not pretty when I get aggravated in public! lol

I was going through a plateau for about 10 days and just lost another pound this morning after maintaining for awhile. I think this is because I concentrated on proteins yesterday instead of so many carbs. I have got to kick the carb habit. Right now, it's not really hurting me other than making me maintain instead of lose, but these habits can cause major problems down the road. I am so scared of gaining any weight back. Once I hit my goal (8 lbs. to go!! woot woot!) I don't want to ever gain more than five pounds back. I continue to lose weight in my ass, which is pretty much skin over bone at this point in time.

I went and had dental work on Monday night and just lying in the same position on the torture chair made my ass hurt. Oh well, I guess that took my mind off the fact that they were drilling half of my tooth away (I broke another tooth from constantly grinding my teeth!!). Very difficult to switch positions on the chair though when smoke is coming out of your mouth and they jack hammering away in there!!

I just completed my 4-week course in "Make-up Application" with Mary Kay. I had fun and it was wonderful having my bff Cathy with me as my model. Cathy also had the gastric bypass surgery in January and is down 101 pounds. I am so proud of her and she's so beautiful! I am glad she's finally seeing her beauty which I've always seen. Cathy's got an inner glow about her and the biggest heart of anyone I know. Lord knows, this woman has always been there for me and helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. She is and will always be beautiful in my eyes. I am just so happy for her that she's seeing it for herself now!

Hmmm....I promised myself to stay away from carbs and now I'm eating grapes...what's wrong with this picture? lol...ah, let the battle continue....

Too Skinny...Wait...What? (10-01-08)

2008-10-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

I am now 9 lbs. above my goal of 125 lbs. and two people have told me that I should not lose any more weight...yet, I look in the mirror and yes, my legs are thin & my wrists are thin and yet, there is still a tire around my belly. Nine more pounds in that area would be wonderful! There is no way I am going to stop losing weight when I am only 9 lbs. away from a weight that I have been dreaming of for years! I do not care if I look like a stick, I want to weigh 125 lbs! It's what I weighed when I graduated high school. I know it is "Just a number", but it is MY number! I am not consciously trying to lose anymore weight. I am only trying to eat healthy. I eat good, low fat, sugar free foods. I am not going to change those habits in order to stop losing weight or, heaven forbid, gain any weight back. I think, once I start going to the gym and lifting weights, I will not look so bony and hopefully, I will get some curves back!

It is rare that I get ill anymore, thank goodness. I have learned to slow down and to recognize when I am full. There are times when the food tastes so danged good, I want to devour it. But, I don't. I make myself stop because I can feel the nausea coming on. One more bite and I will be visiting the restroom. I haven't had an incident yet where someone else was in the restroom when I've gotten sick, thank goodness.

Fall is finally here!! I can't wait to pair some cute jeans with sweaters and my new little jacket! I will be glad when the weight stabilizes so that I can buy some pants and know that they will be fitting me from now on. I'm kind of a 7/8 right now, but some 8's are too big. My hardest thing to deal with is my breasts. Although I wear a D-cup, they don't fit in the bra correctly because they're so flat and bendy. There's no volume to them. I will def need a breast lift and implants when this is all over and done with, big boobs are part of who I am and I feel a little lost right now!

Well, off to devour dinner since it's way past my normal dinner time. Til next time...

Hello World - I'm still here! (09/22/08)

2008-09-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

Hello hello! Yes, it's been awhile and I couldn't even tell you WHY I haven't been on my blog, I guess I've just been tired and unmotivated. Having some major problems with the fibromyalgia in my back & shoulders and can't afford the masseuse. Sucks big time. I should get my but down to the gym to sit in the jacuzzi, not to mention I need to get back to a work-out routine, because I haven't gone in ages! Even walking has slowed down as of late since I've had something going on just about every night of the week.

So, we bought Britt a little Kia Rio5 sporty hatchback, so that is one worry off of my shoulders. It's really cute and great on gas, so that's a great thing. We were able to get it at a good price. One less stress for me now that I don't have to pick her up from practices and football games.

My hair loss continues and it's starting to depress me. I've always had thick, luscious hair and it is now thin and not wanting to style. The bangs are so thin, there is no volume to my 80's do! lol...I'm fortunate that others say they can't tell, but I can certainly tell. I'm down 89 lbs. now and only 12 lbs. to goal. I have a feeling that I will get below goal, but we shall see. My upper body is pretty bony and I'm not sure I like how thin my face is becoming. My boobs have lost all their volume and will definitely need work later on. But, although this sounds negative, it's not. My body is not exactly sexy, but it is not horrible either. It is the body of a somewhat thin 45 year old woman. A normal woman who has given birth and lived her life, not a supermodel or actress on television that can afford personal trainers and lots of plastic surgery. I do plan on having a tummy tuck, arm repairs and a boob job somewhere down the line. But, that is about two years away, when things stabilize and my body adjusts to a new, thinner me. I am healthy as far as my blood pressure is low normal, my diabetes is gone and my cholesterol, although I haven't been tested yet, I'm sure is much better than it was a mere six months ago. Everyone says I look so different. I am looking forward to going to the Cross Court tournament this year just to see the reactions of those people that have known me for years and watched me enlarge over time. Now, they will see a whole new me and I bet some of them don't even recognize me. In fact, my bosses son, who is 10 told me today that my face has even changed a lot.

So, my hunger has returned and I am still struggling with things to eat that are protein. I prefer a few fat-free crackers over a piece of lunch meat or something. I feel guilty for eating anything, which I shouldn't. I am allowed to eat healthy foods, but I struggle with the guilt of eating anything that is a carb. There are days when I do eat too many carbs and not enough protein, so thank goodness I'm pretty religious about drinking my protein shake everyday. The water is still an issue - more so than ever. I have to consciously think and force myself to drink. My weight loss continues, so I must be doing it right. And, that's without exercise. Imagine when I finally do start a work-out routine. I know that I will gain when I start lifting weights because muscle weighs more than fat, but I'm hoping that doesn't happen for awhile, as I hope to continue to lose the fat off my belly.

Well, that's it for now folks...I think I've jabbered enough. Til next time!!

Somebody Stop Me!! (08/25/08)

2008-08-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to stop eating today....I've had two helpings of grapes, which are basically pure carbs, and then 3 fat-free crackers along with my partial buritto for lunch and a couple of the sugar-free Nips candys. I'm stressing today - we sold our old car on Saturday and now we're trying to find a new one for Brittany and the money crunching is stressing me out...I've also started trying to sell MaryKay products and I've sent out e-mails to all of my friends and haven't heard from any of them!! Well, I've heard from like three of the hundred. I was hoping my friends would throw some little parties and I'd be able to get some business started. At least enough to start me off with some confidence. I sure hope this is a good thing for me - it's better than working at a department store every night, but it's not any good if I don't do any sales...ugh!! On a brighter note, I am 18 lbs. away from goal - I've lost 83 lbs. so far. I have one more month until I go for my 3-month check up at Dr. Machado's office, so I'm hoping to have lost another 8-10 lbs. by then. I was originally hoping to be at goal by that appointment, but I don't think that's going to happen. I should be close, but I don't think I can lose 18 in one month nor do I want to. That wouldn't be healthy. As it is, I'm now losing 1-2 lbs. a week instead of 3-4 lbs. Too many carbs which is slowing me down. Even though they are healthy carbs, like in grapes, they are still carbs. Plus, I haven't exercised in the last week. I've been having some issues with nausea after I take my meds in the morning and evening. I mean bad. Seems to upset my stomach something horrible. I don't know if it's one of the new pills I'm taking (for my hair loss + vitamin D + a laxative). So, I think I'll stop taking all three and add one back at a time and see if it's a reaction to that. It sucks though - I literally have to lie down afterwards for a good half an hour. Not a good feeling!! It has been nice to do a little shopping now & then though and be in the smaller sizes. I can't believe I'm wearing a medium shirt. Of course, the boobs have disappeared now...lol. I even had fun dancing at my sister & brother-in-laws wedding renewal ceremony last Saturday and I wasn't exhausted or sweaty at the end of the evening!! Well, that's it for this edition...lol...til next time!

Plateau's Over (08/17/08)

2008-08-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I went back on the blood pressure medication and within 2 days I had lost the 4 lbs. that I put on while i was off of it PLUS i've lost another 3 lbs. this week. I've completely stayed away from the crackers, which was hard for a day but then quickly became the norm again. Thank goodness!! I went out with friends on Friday night to a club in Sacramento and everyone was telling me how wonderful I looked. It was quite nice to finally feel that I am acceptable in public again. I'm no longer embarassed to walk into a room. The club was okay and it was nice that there were a lot of people our age there, but the music itself wasn't quite to my liking. I did enjoy dancing with the girls and our friend Tony. Anyways, I'm off to watch a movie but wanted to share that I'd lost 7 lbs. total this week...yahoo!!! I've only got 20 to go to reach goal! Yahoozers! lol....Til next time

Bloated Feelings (08/14/08

2008-08-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have to wonder whether my "pouch" is still working. I was, as I posted, going through a rough patch of eating a lot of carbs - mainly Ritz crackers. So, I got rid of all those. My weight was staying about the same for the past two weeks, so I knew I was in a dreaded plateau. So, I eliminated the crackers, with the exception of I have one serving every night before bed, which I take with my night time meds. So, I then stopped taking the blood pressure medication. My doctor said we should try it and see what happens. So, I went off and within 3 days I had gained 4 lbs. Here I was, happy that I'd just lost two pounds and was now at 148 lbs. Then, Bam!! I'm back up to 152. My feet and hands were swollen like crazy. So, I decided to go back on the blood pressure meds, because I don't like this feeling of swelling. So, I went back on yesterday. Today, I weighed myself and I am at 151 lbs - down 1 lb. This is good, and I'm hopeful that I will be down the additonal 3 lbs. I gained. The only thing that could have made me gain was the meds. I've been eating the same as usual. But, today, I feel soooo bloated. I had my shake for breakfast - a sugar-free low fat pudding and 4 ozs. of healthy request soup and an atkins bar for lunch and lots of water and sugar free kool-aid. So, why do I feel so bloated? I feel like I'm over full although I don't think I ate too much. Is my pouch still working? Lately, it seems I'm eating more, although if I measure, I'm right on my mark. I've been walking at least every other night, so I know I'm getting in my exercise. More than I usually get, since this seems to be my hardest challenge. Maybe it's just a combination of a bunch of stuff - ending my monthly cycle, messing with my meds, the heat, etc. Am I doing something wrong or am I just trying to convince myself? Very frustrating...guess I need to step back and assess the situation and figure out what has changed, if anything. Maybe, just maybe, my body is now adjusting to the change of eating habits and decided not to lose more weight. Yet, the scale doesn't change but the clothes fit differently - definitely looser...wierd. So, who's up for the fair tonight? lol...the exercise will do me good and I will refrain from eating anything bad for me! Til next time....

Boredom is my Enemy (08/03/08)

2008-08-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is true - for all of us, I believe, that boredom is our enemy. I find, more so lately, that I wander to the fridge whenever I am bored. I have been keeping myself out of there, for the most part, but boredom plays such a big role for those of us that struggle with our weight on a daily basis. I never realized until I had gastric bypass surgery just how much I snacked before. I use eating as my sole comfort - whether I am upset, angry, bored or a multitude of emotions in between. So, I took off two days from work last week and I kept myself BUSY. On Thursday, I woke up early (which I hadn't planned, but I couldn't sleep) and I did laundry and some errands and then Brittany and I went to Judy's for lunch. I had half of one of their burrito's....quite yummy!! Then, in the afternoon we spent about an hour and a half at DMV, where she passed her driving test with flying colors (no errors!!) and she is now officially a licensed teen driver. Friday, I met up my girls, Carla & Traci and went to lunch and then Britt and I went shopping for some school clothes. Again, no problems with food because I was busy, busy, busy. Saturday, I was lazy at home allllllll ddddaaaaayyyyyy loooooonnnnngggg and I munched. Crackers and cherries....both to be eaten in moderation. However, I way overdid it. So, I was surprised this morning to see that I hadn't gained the pound I'd lost a few days ago back. So, got up early again this morning and walked for an hour then came home, did more chores (those bastards never go away, do they??!!!) and then laid in the pool for about two hours, turning like a chicken on a rotisserie! lol...I'm nice and pink now, I'd say about medium rare...lol

I did buy a few pair of shorts because my legs have really gotten pretty skinny and it looks like I have a couple of sticks in my other shorts. Those are all going to charity. Now, hopefully, the last 25 lbs. will come off my belly, which is still my sore spot!! Although it's obviously gone down considerably, it still sticks out and I can't wear the shirts I want to wear...plus, my boobies are looking pretty sad these days...lol....where did wrinkles on my cheche's come from? ha ha ha

Well, that's it for now...oh! I'm down 77 lbs. so far - 24 to get to goal! Woot woot!! My size 8's are very comfortable now and not tight...yee haw!! I'm hoping to be about a size 4 by the time I'm done, but we'll see...I keep thinking the weight loss is slowing down but it's been 12 or so pounds since my last doctor's appointment on the 25th of June, so I think I'm still right on schedule....about 2 lbs. a week, which is perfect!

Til next time!!

Plateau Time (07-25-08)

2008-07-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

I believe that the dreaded plateau has arrived...Usually, I lose a pound every 3 days but this time, I have stopped since Sunday and I feel it...it's wierd. I know that I have been eating a few too many carbs - fat free crackers satisfy my need for something salty and crunchy, but even though they are fat free, they still tend to make me crave more carbs. So, I've eliminated the snack foods from my office and am concentrating on making sure I am getting my liquids. I had just about completely cut off drinking water over the past week, which I'm sure is a big part of the plateau.

Took some pictures this last week with my daughter and her friend in our pool - they actually came out pretty good and that's the first time I have been happy with pictures in many years!! Still don't like pictures that show my belly and in person, my arms look thin, but in pictures they still look fat to me...what is it with our brains that convince us to be so critical of ourselves? And, even though the scale hasn't changed in a week, my body is still changing because the size 10 pants I ordered and got in last week are now getting way too baggy!! I'm quickly running out of clothes!! lol

Unfortunately, I had too many errands to run last night and didn't make the spin class, but around 8pm I went out for a nice, brisk walk. What used to take me about an hour and a half now took me 45 minutes, so I am walking faster and making progress!! I'm also noticing that shirts are fitting looser and looser, so it appears that my weight is finally coming off my belly and back area instead of my rear end! I don't have much back there now, I don't need to lose any more from my lower extremities! lol

Well, enjoy your weekend....until next time!

Survival of the Fittest (07-20-08)

2008-07-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

I did it! I couldn't believe it, but I survived 50 minutes of the spin class. Of course, as some of you may or may not know, I am not always the most coordinated of creatures, so I wasn't able to stand up, sit down, etc. but I still pedaled away and when he said sprint, I pedaled as fast as I possibly could. So, I thought for sure I would die after 5 minutes and I had to stop two or three times, but I was able to make the whole 50 minutes of the class! I just hid myself in a back corner and boy, my ass hurt!! I definitely have to use a seat cushion next time because I could barely move the next day. In fact, is in now Sunday and I still feel "bruised" in the nether regions! lol

Well, just wanted to let everyone know I did survive and it was quite as horrible as I imagined, although it wasn't exactly "fun" either and I do plan on going again. Oh, and the next day when I got on the scale, I was up one pound, but now I'm down three as of this morning! Woot Woot!

Til we meet again....

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (07-17-08)

2008-07-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

And so, it has begun...the dreaded hair loss...I wash my hair each morning and my brush is full when I brush it out. There are long blonde strands stuck to the backs of my chair, my car seat, etc. Oh, and did I mention that a piece always seems to get stuck in my lipstick each morning? lol...Fortunately, I have long, curly hair and so, it has not been noticeable YET. However, I do notice that my bangs don't want to curl and give me that 80's fluff that I feel makes me so irrisistable. So, they've kind of gone their own way these days. The skin, however, is looking marvelous. Whether this is due to my better eating habits, including a lot more liquids or my new Mary Kay beauty regimen, I am not sure. I think that it is a combination of everything!

Tonight, my friend Melissa has promised me the workout of a life time...she has convinced me to go to a "Spin Class" with her...what is this, you may wonder? Why, it is where they put my saggy little rear on a seat that is obviously made for a two year old wearing thick diaper padding and they make you pedal away (at your own pace, of course...which, in my instance, would be stopped!) and promise you a fun and invigorating work-out that will soon have you hooked. Okay, so now that I know I also need hip boots because the bulls**t is getting deep, I can promise you one thing...I have never, ever enjoyed a work out in my life!! But, Melissa is fearlessly being my trainer and pushing me to join her...little does she know what a pathetic and whiny little pain-in-the-butt I convert to when it comes to exercise! I think she will have the bigger work-out just having to deal with me! Ha ha ha

I'll let you all know tomorrow, if I can lift my ass off of the sofa after tonight and make it to my computer, how the torture, er um, workout goes! Til next time...

Emotional Eating (07-15-08)

2008-07-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that my birthday has come and passed. I don't really know if I was depressed, angry, sad or what but all I could think of yesterday was that I wanted to eat. I think I was disappointed because no one in my family made a big deal out of my day, yet it was what I told them I wanted. I am, I now know, my own worst enemy at times. It is hard to lose this weight and feel better about myself yet I cannot afford to shop and buy new clothes. It kind of takes some of the fun away. I just keep in mind that during Christmas, my bosses treat me very well and I will have money for a shopping trip. But, when it is 100 degrees outside and the holidays are many months away, it is difficult to be enthusiastic about a shopping trip. Besides, knowing me, I will spend the money on my family and have very little left for myself. That is just who I am, for better or for worse...blah blah blah. So, anyways, back to my eating issues...yes, when I am emotionally drained or depressed, it is quite easy for me to graze all day long and boy, do I crave those carbs!! I discovered the 100 calorie packs of sun chips and I need to stay away from those! Although I can only eat one pack, it would be very easy to eat one pack every hour!! The carbs seem to set off this out of control behavior that I've had trouble with in the past. So, no more of that for me. Til next time...

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2008-07-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hello again - several of you have said that comments are not working, but when I check my settings and try to go on, it works fine. Please be sure to click on the "0 comments" at the bottom of the posting. Let me know if it doesn't work. There shouldn't be any restrictions. Peace!

Birthdays Suck! (07-14-08)

2008-07-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

So, today is my birthday and I have been depressed ALL DAY LONG! Here I am 71 lbs. less than I weighed three months ago and all I can think about is the fact that I am now 45 years old! I hate it, hate it, hate it! It has taken every ounce of my will power today to not eat all day. As it is, I probably ate a few more carbs than I should have, but I still did okay overall. I didn't do anything special today because I wasn't in the mood. We didn't even go out to dinner. Lou offered, but then he added that he wanted to go somewhere that had a TV so that he could see the baseball all-star game. I just told him to forget it, I'd reheat some leftovers. At least many of my friends called or e-mailed me to wish me a happy birthday. Honestly, the reason it sucked was all my doing, but I just hated this birthday. I hate getting old. Okay, that's enough pity for one day. Thanks for listening...you're a doll. Til next time...

Hot Happens (07/09/08)

2008-07-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hello hello! Well, here I am, a little over 3 months out and I'm doing terrific! I've lost 70 lbs. as of my weigh in this morning and I'm feeling great! I have begun to notice the dreaded hair loss...I was hoping with all my heart that it would pass me, but no such luck. However, for the moment, it has been relatively light. I haven't noticed big chunks of hair coming out, but I have noticed some and my hair seems a lot thinner than it used to be. Which, honestly, is okay because my hair has always been very thick and unruly.

I have been having some issues with the extreme heat of the past few weeks - I get dehydrated so easily! It's hard enough for me to get the water and fluids in me, but then to deal with it when I need even more has been rough. Brittany had a softball tournament last weekend and I nearly passed out. I felt exhausted and clammy - it was not good. Even though I was drinking water, I couldn't get it in me fast enough. I have to continue to work at that, as that is way too dangerous to be messing with.

I have discovered that adding a little bit (a teaspoon) of sugar free caramel syrup to my Isopure shake in the morning has done wonders to my taste buds. That and a single packet of splenda and I'm in heaven. Well, as close to heaven as I can get when we're discussing protein shakes. I did order some different snacks from one of the web sites and so far, haven't really liked anything. Protein products just leave the strangest after taste in our mouths. It's something you definitely have to keep trying and develop a taste for.

With the hot weather, I find that I am missing my Pepsi's something fierce. I hear someone walk by with a cup and you can hear the ice clinking and I swear I find myself drooling! I used to drink two sodas a day. I've sworn myself off of them, for a multitude of reasons, but boy there are days when I miss them so badly. Especially the ones on tap...it's not summer without an ice cold Pepsi! lol

I am now officially in a size 10 jeans. I've posted a few new pictures, which Brittany says show how tiny I am. I, however, still see a fat girl. It's this mental thing that we go through, I suppose. I look in a mirror and I see a thinner person, but when I see a photograph, I see FAT. My legs, in actuality, have grown pretty thin but when I look at the pics, I see chubb. Perhaps I should take a photo or my rear end...it's completely disappeared! Funny how pants fit now whereas before they had a hard time going over the hips. I actually feel hip bones now! Maybe this is how anorexic people feel...they only have this mental image of themselves and it's very difficult to move away from it. I still automatically go to touch my stomach and it takes me a moment to absorb that I have to go wayyyy back to touch it. It no longer hits the steering wheel and I can actually see my toes - which reminds me, I need a pedicure! lol

Enjoy your week and I'll post again soon! Chow!

Progress Continues (06/26/08)

2008-06-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hello mates...lol...I had another doctors appointment this morning and was able to see Dr. Machado - I am down 63 lbs. total and she says that I am doing excellent and actually above average in my weight loss, so I'm a happy camper today! I don't have to go back for three months now, so it will be interesting to see where I will be at the end of September. I stopped by Kohl's on the way back to work and found three cute dresses on sale. Since I have a couple of weddings to attend this summer and these are adjustable, I got them each for about $10 each. Great sale! Too bad I didn't have more time - I just considered it my half hour that I use for lunch time.

I am feeling well, although my back has been hurting a lot lately with the Fibromyalgia. I had a massage on Tuesday, but it is still sore. My knees and feet no longer bother me though, so that is a definate plus! I also got myself a tube top, which I may wear this weekend to Brittany's softball tournament so that I can get some sun on my shoulders. We all know that the tanner we are, the thinner we look! So, tan away!!

Still having an occasional barfing session when I eat too quickly. Eventually, I'm hoping I will learn to slow my ass down. I just feel so good, I forget and shovel it in. I went to dinner with Brittany yesterday to Vinces and couldn't eat my dinner - nothing better than a barf session in a public place! Fortunately, nobody could hear me from the bathroom. It wasn't a bad one or a long session, so I took my dinner home and was able to eat about an hour later when I'd slowed my butt down.

I've found the the heat from summer doesn't bother me like it used to. You all know that after the weather warmed up, I was sweating like crazy if it was over 75 degrees outside. Now, I'm good until it gets to the 90's. I used to keep the air conditioning on at about 76 degrees and now I keep it around 81-82. Crazy, isn't it? Even my skin is different, not nearly as oily as it used to be. Thank goodness for that!!

Well, that's it for now - I need to actually get some work accomplished today. Hope you're all gearing up for the weekend - til next time.....

Cherries (06/17/08)

2008-06-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

So, all this time I was thinking that cherries were 90 calories and 2 grams of sugar for one cup - I've been in heaven the past few weeks, munching my cherries like there's no tomorrow....I love my cherries. Come to find out last night that cherries are 19 grams of sugar in one cup...yikes! What have I been doing to myself?!! I didn't test my blood sugars, but now I've had to give up my favorite fruit in the whole wide world....I'm going to sulk all day long...lol

I'm down a total of 61 lbs. so far and have been wondering lately if the pouch is still working because it seems like I'm starting to get hungry again AND it seems like I'm eating too much. But, when I measure it out, I'm still eating 3-4 ounces. I have gotten in the habit lately of eating some cherries in the morning and a couple of fat-free crackers in the afternoon and I need to stop that - there really isn't a need to be snacking, I'm just bored and restless. I was also getting in the habit of eating and then weighing myself, which is really rediculous, so I have stopped doing that as well. Yes, I do weigh myself every day and yes, I know that you're not supposed to do that. But, for me, it works to keep me focused on my goals. I am determined that once I lose this weight, I will not let my old habits take hold of me and make me gain anything back. My biggest fear right now is that it's just suddenly going to stop coming off and I'm not where I want to be yet. I want to be called petite for once in my life. Lord knows, I'm five two, I want to be tiny like the skinny girl who's fighting her way out of this body right now. I just pray I don't turn into a massive pile of floppy skin.

I, yes me!, have actually been working out. Went twice last week and once this week. Planning to go again tomorrow and on Friday. I'm walking too. Pretty good for having as many projects as I have going on and Aunt Flow had to fricken visit too, the old bitch. lol

I've been talking to a couple of friends that had the WLS because I've been feeling so fat this last week. Must be from my period, but I just feel bloated in my upper tummy. My ass is going flat, my arms jiggle with every breeze, but my BIG FAT GUT WONT GO AWAY!!! What the hell? That's the fattest, that should have been the first to go. But no, nothing will cooperate. Now, it's gonna probably be the boobs next and the gut will still be there. Grrrrrrrr......lol

Well, enjoy your week...I'm craving a snack and I don't want to eat so I'm going to go for a short walk around my building a few times and see if I can feed me a squirrel or two before I get back to work. Hugs til next time....

Grad Week (06-08-08)

2008-06-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since I've posted, but nothing exciting has been going on! lol...Let's see, I've been feeling better and was quickly dropping pounds over the past week and then suddenly gained one pound back! I don't know what that's all about, unless it's just because I've not been getting in my fluids. So, I've been concentrating on that over the past few days and we'll see what happens. I was excited that I bought some size 12 jeans and they fit! Woot woot! I spent this morning working up a sweat and completely redid my pantry and threw out a bunch of stuff, including boxes of stuff that expired about five years ago! lol...I'm such a horder...rediculous!

Me and Cathy went to our support meeting last Monday and what a depressing and disappointing meeting it was!! They brought in a guest speaker - a plastic surgeon from UCD Med center. Although he was fine, the before & after pictures were horrible! These must have been worst case scenarious, because I know many people that have had plastic surgery (and weight loss surgery) and they don't look like that. I felt they should have thrown in some pictures of amazing results as well as the others. Not everyone is going to look so horrible after weight loss surgery and they don't give enough details, like the peoples ages and height, etc. Just total weight loss. The other dumb thing was that the pictures were of peoples NAKED bodies (did we really need that crotch shot or penis shot?) but the pictures of the face lifts had little squares over the peoples eyes! lol...You can see my penis but you can't see my eyes!! Deeerrrrrrrrrr....lol

I've been doing well - maybe a little too well because it felt like I was eating out of control for a couple of days. Looking back (and I keep a journal of what I eat - try www.fitday.com) I really wasn't out of control or over eating. I was wondering if my pouch wasn't working for me suddenly because I was feeling full. And, I never feel "full", I just feel like stopping my eating. But, maybe this was the full feeling actually kicking into gear again? I dunno...but, I'm making sure that I weigh out my food to make sure I'm eating the right amounts and I've gotta make sure that I don't snack when I don't need to. I've been enjoying my cherries though! lol I think part of the problem this week has been that the weathers been so nice (aside from the wind!!) and I'm bored being inside, whether it's at home or work, and so my old feelings of wanting to snack on something have been hitting me. It's easy at work because there's no snacks in the house but at home, I have to be careful. Thus, that's why I cleaned my pantry and yesterday I cleaned out my closet and got rid of a bunch of clothes that just do not fit anymore.

Well, time for me to shower...til next time!

Three Day Weekend - Hallelujah (05-23-08)

2008-05-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am so delighted that the weekend has finally made it here! I am ready for a long weekend and catching up on some much needed rest! Last night, our Pioneer girls took 2nd place, losing to Woodland High girls softball team. It was a great effort on both sides, but a little sad to see our girls so beaten down after losing the championship.

I have discovered that certain places bring back cravings of certain foods. For example, Sacramento Softball Complex is the first place I tried french fries with mustard and ketchup on them. So, as soon as I walk in the front gates, I am craving those fries. But, I wasn't going to buy them only to eat two and besides, I don't want to get started on the junk food or I know that I will be sorry. I had eaten before we went to the game, so I wasn't hungry. They just smelled soooooo good when people would walk by with them! Ha ha

I'm down another pound today. I've been working really hard to get my waters in because I've had some blood in my urine. I know that the blood is from the kidney stones that I have in my left kidney. And, not drinking enough water is probably causing some irritation in my kidney. So, drink, drink, drink is my new motto. Too bad it can't be a margarita every now & then! lol

I also figured out that the only time I get angry now is if I have to go through a drive thru because fast food places offer nothing that I can eat that is both nutritious and satisfying, so I am going to work harder at preparing meals at home so I don't continue to feel like I'm left out when it comes to my meals. I only eat twice a day with breakfast being my protein shake. My cravings are few and far between at this point. And, they are not overwhelming like they were in the beginning. This new self-control that I have come across amazes me. This "tool" of a tiny stomach is working wonders! I'm also inspired by one of my BFF's, Cathy, who is down 64 lbs. since her surgery in January and she looks amazing! She's always been beautiful, but now she just glows and her self-confidence shines brightly. Love you girl! Keep up the great work, I'm so proud of you!! By this time next year, we'll be the skinny bitches we've always tried to run over with our cars! Ha ha ha ha...

Enjoy your three-day weekend people! Happy eating! ha ha

Wait...it fits? (05/21/08)

2008-05-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, sooo....When you undergo Weight Loss Surgery (WLS), you become familiar with the different lingo that the forums and blog sites use. One of them that I've used here and there is what is described as a "Wow Moment". You see, when you gain a lot of weight, you see yourself differently that the slim people in the world. When you lose the weight, you still think like someone who is overweight. Often, you don't realize how well you're doing but then, something wonderful happens, even if it's suddenly being able to sit in a chair comfortably, that makes you realize just how far you've come in your weight loss journey. So, yesterday I had my first real "wow moments", and now I'll share.

I went to Walmart after work, kind of in a hurry because I still had to make dinner for Lou and I, and then the two of us were heading over to Sacramento to watch our daughter, Brittany, play in the semifinals for TCC Sections (she's a varsity player for Pioneer High School & only a sophomore...but, I'm not proud or anything). Anyways, I got sidetracked there...Okay, so I go into Walmart looking to get some household supplies and stuff. Since WLS, I've discovered that I get cold much easier than I used to. Prior to the surgery, I was hot if it was over 70 degrees. Now, I get cold if it's under 85. Just one of the many wonderful changes (no, really, I'd rather be cold than sweaty!!) of WLS! So, I've been looking for a cheap sweater and haven't been able to find one anywhere since it's now hot outside. Well, I see this cute little beige number lying on top of a rack and I see the size (12/14) and think there's no way that's going to fit. I mean, I was a 18/20 or 1X prior to the surgery, I don't think I've shrunk that much. But, what the hell, I try it on and it's a perfect fit!!! Okay, so now I'm wowed and of course, I grabbed it and threw it in my basket.

So, I'm walking over to the hair supplies, you know shampoo and the like which is supposed to make my unruly curls gorgeous and irresistible, only to pass these cute little shorts. Well, I see there a size 14 and I think, "I'll probably be in these in another 6 weeks", so I throw them in the basket. I found some size 16 jean shorts last week at home and they were a little snug, but I can wear them. Well, when I got home, I tried them on and they fit perfectly!!! Wow # 2!! lol...So, I'm down from a size 20 to a size 14 in 7 weeks!!! Yahooooo!!!! I know, it doesn't seem like much and I know all about different brands run different sizes, but the fact remains that I haven't been in a size 14 shorts in at least eight years!! And so far, all is going well, body wise except that my round, bubble butt is now going flat! lol...Never had that issue before but if it means smaller clothes, who cares???

On to other things....This week has been softball every night and so, I am getting pretty darned tired and not wanting to cook at home. This makes my life difficult because I cannot eat out, really. I mean, I can have stuff but who wants to spend five bucks on a meal to only eat fifty-cents worth? lol....Me, suddenly becoming frugal? What's with that??!!!!

Okay, just wanted to share...enjoy your humpday and until next time.....

Hot Days & Water Consumption (05-17-08)

2008-05-17T22:54:00.001-07:00

My daughter had a softball game today in Sacramento and it was 101 degrees out there! I am a little concerned about how well I am going to handle the heat during Lou's and Britt's baseball games this summer because not being able to chug ice cold water is hard! I have to sip, sip, sip or I barf, barf, barf. Then Britt ended up having a heat stroke and we had to lay her down in the shade and put iced towels all over her and just trying to help her and not sipping my water made me almost have a melt down! I was so dehydrated and my lips were dry. It was horrible. I told Lou that he would definitely have to put the EZ-Up at all of his games because there was no way I was going to be able to sit in the sun at any of the games. Not that I liked to anyways!

The good news is, I am down another pound, which makes me at 34 lbs. since surgery & 49 lbs. overall. I am noticing changes, obviously, but the my ass is sagging which is driving me crazy! lol. I've always had a big round ass and now, suddenly, it is flat and I have these little flappy like areas under my butt cheeks! It's crazy! Of course, the one thing I want to go down first is taking the longest - my gut! I can't wait to be able to wear dresses again and cute little tops, but can't do that yet without looking pregnant! Well, off to bed I go...sweet dreams!!

31 lbs. & Counting! (05-11-08)

2008-05-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

The scale has decided to be my friend again and I reached 31 lbs (46) lost as of this morning - Happy Mother's Day to me! lol...Went to our friends for dinner last night and had a couple ribs and a little chicken (maybe 2-3 ounces total). Again, problems with the chicken. Had to go throw up, but just a little. Kept most of it down. Chicken is soooo healthy, I've got to conquer this issue my pouch has with not wanting to keep it down. I think part of the problem is that I don't recognize that I am full. I will be eating and be fine and then suddenly, one bite later and it goes to hell. Ugh! Brittany woke me up this morning with a hand made card that was soooo sweet - I loved it! Lou's taking me later to the Dixon May Fair. That will be interesting since I'm not eating any fair food (waaahhhhh) and I don't really do the rides, but maybe I'll find some cute jewelry since that seems to be my shopping item of choice right now. Can't buy clothes cuz the sizes will change quickly, so I'm buying shoes and jewelry, when I get the chance! lol Well, hope all of you have a wonderful Mother's day! Enjoy!

Stress = Major Dump (05-07-08)

2008-05-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday afternoon I got really stressed out and was being pulled in three different directions at the same time and didn't have time to sit down and eat properly. I had gone through the drive-thru for Lou and got myself a grilled chicken sandwich, plain. However, I had to run Brittany across town and then get back to do something at home so by the time I finally got to eat (just the meat, no bread), I was totally stressed out. So, I ate way too quickly and I paid the price! I threw up four times over the course of an hour and my stomach continued to hurt for another hour after that! And this time, the vomiting was pretty intense. Still not like a flu vomit, but definitely stronger and very uncomfortable. The worst part is that food particles try to go out your nose! Yes, that sounds gross and it is!! The three times I've been sick have always seemed to be with chicken. I think chicken is usually so tender, I forget to slow down because it tastes so good! This time, however, I know it was because I had three people wanting me to do something and not enough time in my day to do it all! So, I gobbled it down quickly and paid the price for it. To top things off, Brittany and her boyfriend broke up around 11:30pm, so I sat in her room with her until midnight while she cried her eyes out and that, of course, breaks my heart. Plus, she didn't want to tell me what happened so now I'm not feeling needed...boo hoo.....Needless to say, I'm pretty tired today. The good news is, I'm down another pound so at least I've lost two pounds this week! Til next time....

The Scale Finally Moved! (05-06-08)

2008-05-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you know, I have been a bit frustrated over the past week (or two) because the scale suddenly stopped moving! So, in talking with my friend Cathy, who is my backbone in this journey, she suggested two things: 1) I need to get more fluids in and 2) I need to eat a little more because I've been averaging around 400-600 calories a day. So, yesterday was a good day and I did get in my fluids for the day, which is very hard for me, but when I got up this morning, the scale was down a pound. I know it doesn't seem like much to those of you that have never tried losing weight, but a pound is cause for celebration! It's one more pound off that will never, ever come back on! I'm also planning on finally getting back to the gym now that my doctor has given me the green light to start working out again. Woo hoo! Never thought I'd actually start feeling like working out, but I do. I want to start doing some resistance training to start toning my muscles. This past week has been better as far as when it comes to eating. Before, whenever I'd start to eat something, I'd feel a little uncomfortable in my pouch. So, I'd have to wait a little bit and let it pass. This week, I seem to be eating more comfortably. I don't get that immediate feeling of something stuck in my belly. I also figured out that I need to add some moisture to some of my foods, especially like chicken. If they're too dry, I feel more uncomfortable quicker. I guess that's because your pouch is so small that there isn't much natural juices, like stomach acid, in there so if the food is dry, it takes a lot longer to process. It kind of just sits there until your mini-tummy can process it. Well, that's it for now...til next time!

Weight Update, etc. (05-02-2008)

2008-05-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hello hello! I went to see my doctor yesterday and I am down another 5 lbs. This makes 27 lbs. since the surgery and 41 lbs. altogether. The past two weeks have been a bit of a challenge emotionally, but I am doing well. The cravings haven't stopped entirely, but for the most part are not an "all-the-time" kind of thing like they were in the beginning. It is true what they say about the "head hunger" being a bitch. I am beginning to see the changes though that are happening to my psyche. I am finding that I am no longer thinking about food every waking hour, which excites me. It used to be, I'd be eating lunch and thinking about what sounded good for dinner. I'd do that all day long. I also didn't think of myself as much of a snacker but have discovered that is not true. I used to snack on a bag of chips in the afternoon and then go home and eat two raw hotdogs after work or stop for an ice cream and then eat a large dinner. I am waking up to just how badly I did actually eat. I have now graduated from pureed foods to soft foods, which is wonderful. Sometimes, because I am feeling so good, I will begin to eat and go a little too fast and then, if I don't realize it in time, whatever went down comes back up. It's not fun, so I have kind of set up a little routine for my meals so that I won't forget that my eating style has now changed and their is no over doing it without hell to pay! lol This morning was a mini-wow moment because I'd pulled out a pair of pants that I'd been wanting to get into only to discover that they are a bit too big. I was able to wear them, but they are a bit loose! lol...Gotta love it!! It is still hard to picture myself mentally for being a thin girl, I've been fat or "chubby" since I graduated from high school, so my brain just can't imagine it yet. But, I am 59 lbs. from my goal weight and am quite positive I will achieve my goal and perhaps, exceed it. Well, that's it for now...til next time! Tootle!

First UpChuck (04-23-08)

2008-04-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally had my first upchuck! lol...Yesterday, I came home and I ate a couple bites of rotisserie chicken and I think I ate too fast and didn't chew it well and next thing I know, I had this uncomfortable feeling in my chest/tummy and had to bring it back up. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Not a heaving belly aching thing like when you have the flu. It was still uncomfortable, of course, and not something I would want to do on a regular basis. So, I did my thing and waited about an hour and ate some tuna and I was then fine. Tomorrow, I get to add an additional tablespoon of pureed goodies to my diet, which at this point, isn't a big deal because I can barely eat 2 tablespoons still. Other than the upchuck episode, I am feeling good and hit 25 lbs. today. I find that I am a bit cold these days, which has always been unusual for me, but I'd rather be cold than to be sweating. I went back to work on Monday (21st) and am pretty tired by the end of the day. I find that my muscles are sore even though I'm not working out yet. I don't know if that's because I'm not eating much or what is going on there. I'll have to remember to ask my doctor on my next visit. I went for a massage on Monday night and I was sore everywhere, even in my arms and stuff. Kind of strange. Tonight, I had some meat from a Taco Bell beef burrito (no sauce) and it's stayed down and was yummy. Just discarded the tortilla. It was a nice treat. Well, my daughter is having a melt down today, so I'm off to see how she is doing....love & kisses til next time!

Water Intake (04-14-08)

2008-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

I am finding it a bit difficult to get my water intake in over the past two days....I'm not used to having to constantly sip water. I have found that sugar-free popsicles are good for providing a little change to the taste buds. I've tried crystal light, but I'm not a big fan. It's almost too strong for me. I think I like tart flavors more than sweet...I do know that I'm getting a bit dehydrated though because I've been getting a muscle cramp in my right calf. I think part of it is that I am bored too. Today was the first day home alone, as both Lou and Britt were gone. I can only take so much television. Thank goodness I get to go to lunch with my girl Carla tomorrow!! Well, off to the kitchen to find some fluids!

PS: Down 20 lbs. as of today!!!

1st Post Op & Lake Tahoe (April 13, 2008)

2008-04-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Hello! Well, I went to my 1st post-op check up on the 10th and I was pleased that I was down 15 lbs. (As of today, I'm down 18!). The doc said I was doing great and has now allowed me 2 tablespoons full of soft food, three times a day. That doesn't seem like much, but trust me, it is a lot at this point and depending what it is, I usually can't finish it. Pureed only foods go down well and I can finish it, but tuna and chicken is usually too much. My energy continues to increase. I am still having a hard time with the meds and the protein. At this point, I gag constantly when taking the protein shakes which sucks big time, because I have to have these for at least a year, if not forever. I am still experimenting to try different flavors. I am determined to find something that will work for me.

My husband and I went to Lake Tahoe this weekend for a friends wedding and I didn't take anything except bottled water and my meds. It was only an overnighter. The wedding was very small (25 people) and, fortunately, the food was good. I ate maybe an ounce of hawaiian chicken (I chewed each bite 25 times to make it the right consistancy for my tummy to handle) and I ate one small pasta noodle. I also took one teeny, tiny bite of the wedding cake. Everything stayed down well and I didn't feel bad afterwards. I have discovered, however, that I don't ever feel "full". I just suddenly don't feel like eating anymore or I become uncomfortable. Not really a pain, just an unpleasant feeling in the pouch. Not having that feeling of fullness kind of sucks because I don't feel satisfied. But, it's an adjustment and I will get accustomed to it as time goes by. I told my doctor I was hungry and she says I'm not. She said it was "head hunger". Your brain is telling you to eat and your body responds. I understand her reasoning, but my brain is slow to grasp this. However, over the past couple of days I have noticed my cravings are stopping. At first, everything looked sooooo good but now, most of the time I just shrug it off with a "whatever". I'm sure that will change with time, but for now I'll take it!

After our friends wedding, we went to an Improv show at Harvey's Casino and afterwards, I told my husband that I felt I needed to eat. It wasn't hunger, but it was just a strange feeling, like I felt weak. So, we found a tacqueria stand and I ordered a chicken soft taco with just meat and cheese. I was able to eat the chicken and cheese and felt much better afterwards. This morning, though, I made a big mistake. Lou needed breakfast and so we stopped at McDonalds. I ordered a chicken bisquit and ate half the chicken piece. Well, I didn't think about the chicken being breaded. I didn't vomit, but I was burping the chicken for over an hour and it sat like a lead weight in my pouch for at least that long.

Well, that's about it for now. I am going back to work on the 21st. My incisions are healing - they're just little, tiny holes that itch like crazy. I still get a bit tired in the afternoon, but nothing serious. Until next time.....

Feeling Better!

2008-04-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I’m sorry it has been a few days since I’ve posted, but I’ve been feeling much better and not sitting on my derriere at home as much! Monday, I started to come alive but was quite tired by the end of the day. I was also having my own personal pity party, feeling “hungry” and lonely and all of that. However, friends stepped in and saved me from myself and by Tuesday, I was a new person! I woke up and suddenly, I didn’t feel pain any more! Now, I still am tender if I bump the belly or turn over in bed too quickly, but I can walk well with a tiny little vigor to my step and can go up and down the stairs in my house without problem. Today was even better and I even took my daughter shopping for a couple of hours. It was fun to imagine myself in all the cute little tops and stuff by next summer. Heck, maybe even part of this summer!

I still get tired easily and after walking for about two hours, I had to lie down for about an hour, but that’s okay. I decided to return to work on the 21st, as long as the doctor’s say it’s okay. My job is pretty low key, so I don’t have to do a lot of walking, which is nice for something like this.

I am still struggling with the protein because I am the type of person that when I eat (or drink) something that I don’t like, I gag and will vomit. So, although the IsoPure shake mix is tolerable, drinking it on a daily basis is gagging me now. And, it’s the only one I have found that I can stand, so I don’t know what to do. I tried mixing it with a little coffee today and that didn’t help. And, by the way, you cannot mix it with HOT water - it will turn to a cup of rubber…ugh!! lol I am also still mentally dealing with the “head hunger”. I am a bit hungry, as surviving on liquids for 11 days now is trying, to say the least. I was craving KFC and even dreamt about it! lol…Although I have not officially been approved to go onto the pureed portion of the diet, I went ahead and had some healthy choice cream of chicken soup for lunch (2 tablespoons) and then I had a small bit of Taco Bell beans & cheese for dinner and I kept it down without problem and it was heavenly! I even took a little nibble (we’re talking miniscule - like the size of a pea) of Brittany’s chicken sandwich today (just the white meat) to help with the cravings and that helped so much. I’ve heard some people say they will bite into something, chew it for the flavor and then spit it out. Don’t think I’m strong enough to do that….if it goes in the mouth, it ain’t coming back out unless the stomach causes it to. So, I am pleased that I am not having any repurcussions from the little bits of food I have been having. I’ve read many stories where people are eating food 3-4 days post-op. That’s crazy to me! My doctor would kick my butt if i did that!

Well, just wanted to give everyone an update. I am doing well and feeling more optimistic. I am going to Lake Tahoe this weekend for a wedding and I hope that I will not feel like I am missing out on anything by not being able to drink, eat or dance. I am looking forward to a night away from home with just the hubby, as it’s been awhile since we’ve done that.
Til next time!!

I survived Surgery (April 4, 2008)

2008-04-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Surgery Day: Well, this day was interesting. I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 10am with surgery scheduled at 11:30. When I got there, they put me in my own bed, separated by curtains, and told me to undress,etc. So, I sat in the bed for about a half an hour before someone finally came in to talk to me, get final permission slips signed (again). Eventually, they gave me an IV. At this point in time, I was feeling quite grumpy and unfriendly. I hadn’t eaten in 36 hours (jello does NOT count as real food) and my stomach and head were killing me. I was also having pain in my back because I hadn’t taken the pain killers or muscle relaxant for the fibromyalgia.

At around noon, the surgery nurse came to get me. She was awesome and was eleven months out herself from having the surgery and looked great. She was very reassuring and a nice person to talk to right before going in to the operating room. Of course, as usual with me, the bed hadn’t been plugged in so she had to have my hubby, Lou, help her push the bed to the operating center. That was cool because he got to stay with me longer than he normally would have.

They finally took me in at 1pm. They scooted me over to the operating table and told me they were going to give me something to make me drowsy. And that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up when it was done and don’t really remember anything from that time. I remember saying I was in pain and then sometime, hours later, my husband kissed me goodbye and then I woke up to David Archuleta from American Idol singing on the television.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up and was coherant was that it felt like someone had dried my mouth out with a cotton towel and there was lint on my tongue. My breath was awful and if I scraped my tongue, there was an actual brownish film on it. It was disgusting. I would also do little coughs that would bring up little particles of the stuff. I really wasn’t in too much pain from the surgery. The following morning they allowed me to sip water and that felt like heaven. The only problem was, none of the drinks they brought me were cold so I had to continually ask for ice, which I felt was kind of bothersome, but I needed it.

Second day post op was a day of realization and adjustment. I could now eat (jello, broth) and sip liquids. They started measuring how much of my liquid I was getting in. So, they brought me the Isopure liquid and I would have two cups at my bedside, which I sipped continuously. One of the protein drink and the other of bottled water. With each sip of one, I’d have a sip of the other. This worked very well for me, as the protein drink was kind of nasty and the water quickly washed the taste away. Every four hours or so, the nurses would come in and do a blood sugar test. I hate having my finger pricked, but I didn’t feel a thing because of the morphine coursing through my veins. So, with east test, I’d then get a shot of insulin. They also gave me a shot of heparin in the morning and evening, which is a blood thinner. Since you’re lying in bed, they want to make sure you don’t get any blood clots. The other thing you wear is a contraption on both legs that continuously squeezes your legs to keep the circulation going. I, personally, liked it. I thought it felt like a massage. One other thing you have to do is breathing exercises. Although these are a bit painful in your rib area, they are very important to do every hour. They keep you from getting pneumonia and from crap going into your lungs. They’re very simple to do, just a bit painful at times because your ribs are sore.

Walk! and when you don’t feel like it anymore, walk some more. It really does help to move the build up of gas that is coming and helps to keep your insides from sticking in one place too long. I didn’t realize how much it helped until day three when my stomach blew up to twice it’s size from all the gasses that were backing up. That, which is where I’m at right now, is more uncomfortable than anything so far.

So, there will be times during your hospital stay that you may wonder what you have gotten yourself into. You may feel sad, but it will quickly pass. Try to stay focused on what brought you to this place in the first place. I’m only four days out and I’m in that spot of feeling crappy and fat and like the whole thing was “anti-climactic”. But, I’m focusing on the end result, when the healing is done and the weight loss will begin. Talk to you soon! ~~Cyndie

Hello World (March 28, 2008)

2008-04-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

After about two years of contemplating weight loss surgery, I finally made the decision to go through with it about six months ago. I've always struggled with my weight, as most, if not all, obese patients have. I'm 5'2" and currently weigh about 210 lbs. My heaviest was 226, that I recall. I carry all my weight in my belly, which is, of course, the most unhealthy way to carry any excess.

Today, my true journey begins as my surgery is scheduled for 11:30am. It was a rough night, to say the least and I am nervous and anxious and just dreading the whole thing. However, I'm also excited to be finally reaching this place and for the promise that my future now brings. My goal is to lose about 100 lbs. With this surgery, I have faith that I will be able to not only reach this goal, but to maintain it for the rest of my life.

Deciding to have this surgery has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever faced. It is difficult to not think of every meal as your last and of the daunting task of figuring out what to eat on a regular basis. As a frequent flyer at the fast food joints, I worry a bit about what to eat when we're on the run, which is 5 nights out of 7 during the spring and summer months. But, I understand that this takes pre-planning and my food quantity, especially at first, will be so small that throwing things in my purse is not going to be an issue. It's just a matter of changing habits. Many, many bad habits that have formed over the course of my 44 years.

Well, let my journey begin and welcome to my blog....