I honestly had forgotten I even had this site, although I love to write and keep in touch, I guess I forgot because the weight loss is no longer "new" and exciting and now is just a way of life. With that said, I must confess that the eating habits have started to change and I have gained a few pounds. I was quite happy at 125 lbs. although some people told me I was too "skinny". Yeah, right. A size 6 is not too skinny. I now waver around 132-133 lbs. and it's annoying the hell out of me. That fear of gaining the 100 lbs. I lost is back with a vengeance and yet, I find, I feel like BEFORE I lost all the weight, out of control and unable to make smart choices. I find myself hungry all of the time...I don't understand that. That's how I was before I had the weight loss surgery...how can I be hungry when I just ate and my stomach can only hold a portion of what it did before? So, I am mentally trying to make myself accept that I need to eat like I was before - Limiting my portion size and staying away from all the sweets and carbs...it's so wierd to me to be craving carbs...crackers? Really? There's got be be something out there that's much more interesting and flavorful than crackers for God's sake...yet, at night I go absolutely stir crazy if I don't get them. So, that is my daily battle right now.
The past five or six months have done it's toll on me emotionally. It seemed we had just one crappy thing after another going on. My old car broken down so we borrowed money and then the new car broke down. We had to then pay $2000 for it to get fixed. We sold it and now have bought me a new (used) 2006 Toyota Camry Solara. I love it!!! The only down side is, I now have a car payment that I can't afford. Brittany also got a ticket which cost me another $815 bucks plus we had to pay taxes because EDD didn't take taxes out of the old man's unemployment checks nor did the temp agency he was working for the first three months he worked at his new job. Many other things have happened, which I won't go into on here, but that have wreaked havoc on my emotional well being. So, my current goal is to get myself back to a stable life and move on from the past and start looking forward to the future again, which is something I don't do right now. I can't remember the last time I truly laughed...hard enough to make me red in the face and snort! I need some laughter in my life!
Some good things are coming my way that I'm excited about - my brother is coming to California to visit me and his son at the end of this month. I haven't seen him in about 5 years, so I am very excited to see him. I wish his wife was coming too - I love her, she's a sweetheart and she's so good for my brother and good for our family. I'm very happy for my brother that he's got such a great wife! The 2nd thing I'm excited for, besides Brittany's graduation from high school (Hallelujah!!) is that I get to take off for a week to Montana and visit with one of my closest friends. I am so excited to see her. to get away for a week and forget the worries that plague me at home, to spend some time in the clean, open air, to just be able to breathe for a change. She and I are going to have a great time, even if we end up sitting in her back yard! lol...Isn't that what friends are for? I bet I will return to California refreshed and ready to face reality again...well, maybe...ha ha
I think that if the sun ever decides to stay out for more than two days, my sour mood will turn into a happy grin again and I am hopeful that I will then lose this desire I have right now to munch all day long. In fact, right at this minute, I know that there are protien bars and SpecialK crackers about 3 feet from me and I so desperately want to go munch on both of them, but I am not going to allow that. I would go for a walk along the levee, but it is raining right now...Maybe I will write a couple of letters during the 2nd half of my lunch before getting busy back on some paperwork.
Hopefully, it won't take me another five months to update my blog again...lol. Leave me some comments so that I know people actually read this...much love til next time...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
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