Wow, it's been awhile (05/15/09)

They say that time flies when you're having fun - well, unbeknownst to me, I must have been having a blast because it's been five months since my last post on here! Wow!! So, a lot has gone one since January - I don't know if I can remember it all and more importantly, convey it on here!

Much has changed in my life since January, yet some things remain the same. I guess I will address some of the personal changes, which will then lead in to my current struggles and triumphs. So, as I posted earlier - my husband got laid off from him job back in November. Nothing has changed on that front. He is still not working.

My daughter has found a new boyfriend and she is "in love". I think this will be the boy she marries some day. I can't describe what is different in this relationship, but it is definitely different. I am, emotionally, having a very hard time with this. I feel neglected and unloved. I know that is stupid and I know that she loves me. She is doing what she is supposed to be doing. She is growing up. But, I have dedicated my whole life to this child and now, suddenly, she doesn't need me and I am lost. My first impulse? To eat. Or, to put it in the correct terms, to eat everything I can stuff down my throat and then try to stuff some more. I'll go into this in more detail later.

Kidney stones: They're finally gone! I underwent two lithotripsy procedures, both which were pretty uncomfortable. Well, actually, the only thing that was really bad was the stent which I wore for six weeks. This is a tube that went from my kidney to my bladder to aid in the stones being able to pass. All it did was put pressure on my bladder, which in turn caused a lot of pain AND often, to cause me to pee my pants. So, on the 28th of April, they did another x-ray and the awful stent was removed!! Quite the experience, both because there was no way I could have any sense of modesty when you're spread eagle on a table with nothing covering you and because, after being in there for six weeks, the dratted stent had made itself pretty comfy and it hurt like hell to remove! Ugh! I hope to never go through any of that ever again.

So, there have been lots of other things going on in my life over the past five months, some very good, some not. But, this blog is more about my struggles with weight and my journey in losing the weight and keeping it off. So, this is where I'm at right now.

I love carbs. There's no denying it. Like most, if not all gbs patients, carbs go down easy and they taste sooooo good. So, that is what I am struggling with. Now, if I tell you my weight and size, you will simply look at me and say, "what are you struggling with?". So, here goes - I'm 126 lbs. and I'm in a size 4/5 pants. My goal was 125 lbs., which I reached back in November. So, according to the numbers, I'm doing great.

My brain does not agree. Realistically, I'm right where I am supposed to be. BUT....I had gotten down to 119 lbs. right after the first lithotripsy procedure. I even felt I was too thin at that weight. At the 2nd lithotripsy, I was 121 lbs. Still great. Over the course of the past two weeks, I've suddenly jumped up to 129 lbs. I've managed to lose three of those and am determined to get back down to 120 lbs. To most, 3-5 lbs. is not a big deal. To me, it is EVERYTHING. I am sooo terrified of gaining any weight back, I'd rather be underweight that one pound over my goal. It's how my brain works nowadays. People can tell me I'm too skinny or too bony and I feel PROUD. Yes, it's true. I don't care if it's true - I'm not fat, and that's all that matters.


I am struggling with my daughter growing up. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for me and it seems like it has happened overnight. I love her boyfriend. He is a sweetheart and he treats her wonderfully. I'm happy for her. I really am. But, I'm lost now. I've lost my best friend. Fortunately, I have some adult best friends that help me tremendously to keep my head above water when I feel like giving up.

My job brought in a consultant to go through our processes and help me learn some cost accounting stuff. That's all fine and dandy. But, I take it personally and feel stupid. Realistically, it's a great benefit to me because I'm learning something new and that can only benefit me in the future. And, honestly, it's actually fun to learn some new stuff. But, I still feel stupid. That's something I hate about myself. I need that self confidence. So, what do I want to do when I'm down on myself? Eat!! Do you see the trend here?

So, that is where I'm at these days. I'm struggling to get back on track and stop the all-day snacking because that is going to catch up with me in the end. I have found that I can eat some sugars way too easily, so I am staying away from them at all costs. My blood pressure has been running low, so the docs are watching that. I went from having a pressure of 155/100 to 98/65. I get dizzy easily, especially if I stand up too quickly.

So, that's about it. I am now on the maintaining phase of this amazing journey and although I struggle from day to day, this is the way my life will be for the rest of my days. These are the same struggles most women go through. I am fortunate that I have been blessed with this surgery that makes this struggle a little easier. It's not the cure-all, but it is my tool to make it through this journey as the winner. Now, if I can just figure out how to handle all the emotional sides of things these days, all in life will be golden...

Til next time ....