Yep, it's that time of year again - turkey day, with all the trimmings...This year, we are not inviting a bunch of family over, so I'm going to cook a much smaller version of everything, which is great because I won't have all the leftovers hanging around, waiting for me to nibble on them. I did order an apple pie, though....so, I'm going to see about cutting it in half, cooking half and freezing the rest for another day. Sweets tend to be my weakness....always have been and always will be, I'm afraid. I am still maintaining my weight. Today, I weigh 127 lbs. I was at 129 and that scared the hell out of me, so I've been being a good good (well, except for the tiny little brownie I just had) and have gotten two pounds back off. I struggle with the crackers, so I'm afraid I am just going to have to eliminate them entirely from my house. Lou loves to eat crackers with dinner, but he is going to have to give them up for awhile. I just can't control myself. When they are here, I will not eat five or ten of them, I will eat the entire roll of them. In the matter of an hour. It's bad. Really bad. Wasted calories with absolutely no nutritional value. Not a good thing and not what I have been training myself to eat. So, bye bye crackers...I love you, but it's time for us to go our separate ways. Fatten up someone else, you're just not good for me!
My poor daughter has been going through some major stress over the past couple of weeks, with breaking up with her boyfriend - well, they are not officially "broken up". They are merely taking a break. Seeing her sad and crying breaks my heart and when I need comforting, it is easy to go back to the old tried and true comforts -- food. But, I am trying to keep from doing that and grabbing something to drink instead. Or gum. Gum is a good alternative, because it gives my mouth something to do and when my breath is minty fresh, I'm usually not in a hurry to put food in it.
Lou went out of town for a week and I was so good when he was gone - I don't even cook, really, because Brittany was out with friends or refusing to eat, so it was just me. I can get by on small meals, although I did have one dinner one night which consisted of a tortilla bread and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. It filled me up, gave me some comfort but provided no nutritional value. But, it was only one night....so, I don't feel too guilty. I've also still been taking the biotin, and my nails are really starting to grow now. My hair too, although it has come back in twice as curly as it was before, which I have a love/hate relationship with. Trying to straighten it is just impossible for me. I've never mastered the art of straightening my hair, so the curliness has to be tolerated. I've cut it short, just above the shoulders and Lou is not liking it. But, I did it for me and I like it. Besides, I am 46 years old now....I don't necessarily need the long hair anymore. However, I cut it because the bottom portion was so danged stringy. Now, I am letting it grow out since it is thickening up. No where near as thick as it used to be, but that is a GOOD thing. And, it's curly but not frizzy like it used to be either, which I love. My skin is also getting really nice now - several people have commented about how healthy it is looking and that I look younger and glowing. I have really been doing my cleaning regimen on an everyday basis. Plus, now that my weight has leveled out, I find that the fat that is left over is redistributing more evenly over my body, which makes me look healthier. For awhile, my top half was looking too thin and bony, but it is leveling out now, which is nice. A part of me misses the boniness though, just because it made me feel like I looked thinner. The funny thing is, I still have days where I FEEL fat (today is one of them!). I look in the mirror and I see the tummy fat that won't go away without plastic surgery (yah, I have money for THAT to happen). Sometimes, I forget the journey that I have traveled, because I'm 18 months out and this new body is now my norm. When I go to shop, I still sometimes head to the Lane Bryant store before I realize I don't need nor can I shop there anymore. I will go to regular clothing and grab a size 6 and think that there's no way that will fit me, only to try it on and it be a little loose! It's a wonderful feeling, of course, but still strange. Sometimes, it seems like a dream. I used to go to bed at night and lie there and daydream about what it would be like to be thin, never really thinking it would be a possibility. Being thin and losing the weight was so hard without the bypass surgery - I couldn't do it. It was overwhelming and I was always so hungry and miserable. If I was lucky, I would lose 20 lbs. and then give up, binge and gain 30 back. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a chance at life. A wonderful opportunity to keep this weight off and be healthy.
Well, until next time ya'll. Have a happy Thanksgiving, enjoy yourselves and love and kisses to you all and your families...
Love & hugs,
Cyndie
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Fall is Here (09.18.09)
Fall is here and I am so ready!! Well, technically, the weather is still warm, but my mind is already telling me it's time for a change. Baseball season for my husband just ended, which is always the biggest sign that summer is coming to an end. Brittany is playing softball in a Sacramento Wednesday night league, which is something new for us, but we are loving it.
I am proud to report that I had my 18-month check up and I was 126 lbs., which is close enough to my 1-year weight of 124 lbs. that I am quite happy with that. I also did the 5-day pouch test and it was difficult, but I did it. I relapsed yesterday, buying some of those Special K crackers that you get 17-crackers for 90 calories and promptly overloaded on two thirds of the entire box! lol....But, I've jumped back on the wagon today and have eaten healthy, although today I am having a hard time of it because I am wanting those carbs like no other. Fortunately, I am going to my friends Pampered Chef party tonight and will not be sitting around the house trying to avoid the 1/3 box of crackers that are calling my name so loudly, I can hear it from here and I'm at work. That's a very loud yell!!
Life has definitely improved lately, with Lou working. A big stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I find, to my utter dismay, that I like to eat just as much when I'm happy as when I'm stressed out. The difference is, I am more able to contain myself and fight the old habits that want to come back when I am busy and I am happy. Boredom remains all of ours worst enemies and having weight loss surgery does not change that. This week, I have been gone from home every night of the week and that keeps me focused on eating healthy, when I have to actually THINK about what I'm going to eat instead of randomly popping food into my mouth. Junk food is just way too much pressure and not even something I enjoy any more.
Yesterday, I had a rough afternoon. The early part of the day was fine, and I was working with our consultant, which keeps me busy. However, the afternoon turned ugly when I backed into my bosses truck as I was leaving work. There's no excuse for it. I was STUPID!! I even noticed he was parked further back than usual. However, I sat down in my car, was messing with my radio and my cell phone, thinking about what I needed to get at the store and wondering if I had enough money on me to get what I needed and then promptly backed into his truck. Fortunately, it didn't do any damage to his vehicle except a little scratch on the bumper. My car, however, has a long gash on the back door on the drivers side. So, I was so pissed at myself and I was hungry because I'd forgot to bring any snacks to work yesterday, so I stopped at Target to get what I needed for dinner and saw the box of crackers and the rest, my friends, is history. When I got home, I'd already eaten a third of the box (and Target is like one mile from my front door!). I tried making some home made biscuits, which turned out saltier than I liked, then I promptly spilled cherry kool-aid all over my foot and the kitchen floor. So, I ate dinner and I went to bed at 7pm, just so I wouldn't do any more damage to myself. Oh, and I had an ice cream cone too ... and I'm not talking diet, either. So, thank goodness yesterday was a rare day and today has been a good day so far and I've followed my dietary guidelines without issue. It's amazing how just having the right foods on hand helps. Too bad I couldn't have had this train of thought BEFORE I got fat. But, I know I'm not alone in that battle.
I hope this blog helps any of you that need a little extra boost now and then and I hope that you understand that we all struggle. Even people that have had surgery still have struggles. Gastric bypass or weight loss surgery is not a cure-all. We all still have to struggle to maintain that weight loss once our bodies heal and those old habits fight hard to come back. This is a battle we will have the rest of our lives. The surgery is our tool to help us, but it requires work and dedication on our part to make that tool work the right way.
Happy Fall everyone! I hope you all are enjoying the slightly cooler weather and are looking forward to the coming holidays....wait, did I say holidays??? OHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!
Til next time ...
I am proud to report that I had my 18-month check up and I was 126 lbs., which is close enough to my 1-year weight of 124 lbs. that I am quite happy with that. I also did the 5-day pouch test and it was difficult, but I did it. I relapsed yesterday, buying some of those Special K crackers that you get 17-crackers for 90 calories and promptly overloaded on two thirds of the entire box! lol....But, I've jumped back on the wagon today and have eaten healthy, although today I am having a hard time of it because I am wanting those carbs like no other. Fortunately, I am going to my friends Pampered Chef party tonight and will not be sitting around the house trying to avoid the 1/3 box of crackers that are calling my name so loudly, I can hear it from here and I'm at work. That's a very loud yell!!
Life has definitely improved lately, with Lou working. A big stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I find, to my utter dismay, that I like to eat just as much when I'm happy as when I'm stressed out. The difference is, I am more able to contain myself and fight the old habits that want to come back when I am busy and I am happy. Boredom remains all of ours worst enemies and having weight loss surgery does not change that. This week, I have been gone from home every night of the week and that keeps me focused on eating healthy, when I have to actually THINK about what I'm going to eat instead of randomly popping food into my mouth. Junk food is just way too much pressure and not even something I enjoy any more.
Yesterday, I had a rough afternoon. The early part of the day was fine, and I was working with our consultant, which keeps me busy. However, the afternoon turned ugly when I backed into my bosses truck as I was leaving work. There's no excuse for it. I was STUPID!! I even noticed he was parked further back than usual. However, I sat down in my car, was messing with my radio and my cell phone, thinking about what I needed to get at the store and wondering if I had enough money on me to get what I needed and then promptly backed into his truck. Fortunately, it didn't do any damage to his vehicle except a little scratch on the bumper. My car, however, has a long gash on the back door on the drivers side. So, I was so pissed at myself and I was hungry because I'd forgot to bring any snacks to work yesterday, so I stopped at Target to get what I needed for dinner and saw the box of crackers and the rest, my friends, is history. When I got home, I'd already eaten a third of the box (and Target is like one mile from my front door!). I tried making some home made biscuits, which turned out saltier than I liked, then I promptly spilled cherry kool-aid all over my foot and the kitchen floor. So, I ate dinner and I went to bed at 7pm, just so I wouldn't do any more damage to myself. Oh, and I had an ice cream cone too ... and I'm not talking diet, either. So, thank goodness yesterday was a rare day and today has been a good day so far and I've followed my dietary guidelines without issue. It's amazing how just having the right foods on hand helps. Too bad I couldn't have had this train of thought BEFORE I got fat. But, I know I'm not alone in that battle.
I hope this blog helps any of you that need a little extra boost now and then and I hope that you understand that we all struggle. Even people that have had surgery still have struggles. Gastric bypass or weight loss surgery is not a cure-all. We all still have to struggle to maintain that weight loss once our bodies heal and those old habits fight hard to come back. This is a battle we will have the rest of our lives. The surgery is our tool to help us, but it requires work and dedication on our part to make that tool work the right way.
Happy Fall everyone! I hope you all are enjoying the slightly cooler weather and are looking forward to the coming holidays....wait, did I say holidays??? OHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!
Til next time ...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Hello People (August 11, 2009)
Hello there - and welcome back to my blog. All in life is going peachy (since they happen to be in season right now...hee hee). Lou is still working away (Loving it!!) and enjoying his new job. Brittany and Matt are doing great and she's getting ready to start her senior year of high school (Yikes!!) on Thursday and I'm continuing to eat like food is going out of style!!
Yes, I'm still fighting those dratted "boredom munchies". You know, where even though you're busy at work, your still restless and so you pop in a few crackers or a couple of gummi bears and before you know it, you've eaten non-stop for hours? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Today has been one of those days, but I was actually able to lose two pounds over the past few days and am comfortably at 126 lbs. as of this morning. My next doctors appointment (18 months!) is next month and I am determined to weigh the same (124) or less than when I had my one-year check up. It's a goal that I'm setting. I went online yesterday and ordered "The 5-day Pouch Test" by Kaye Bailey. It's a program that's supposed to detox gastric bypass patients when they've fallen off the protein-wagon. I've gotten way too comfy with those carbs and crackers and fruit are bad, bad, bad to me. Well, I love em. And they taste great. And eating so much protein all the time gets sooooo boring. And, I'm really good about making excuses, aren't I? Pretty impressive, I bet you're thinking. But, when I think about it, I think I'm doing almost every thing right. I'm recognizing when I'm starting to get out of control and doing something about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse. Besides, I have a wedding to go to next Saturday and I plan on looking radiant!! My only drawback is, my hubby is playing ball that day and can't go with me. And, Brittany's gonna be off with Matt, so I need a date. A female date. Any takers? Actually, with the exception of being nervous about driving home from somewhere out in the boonies late at night by myself, I'm cool with going by myself to this wedding because this is a family I know very well and I get to see one of my best friends ever!!! And, I haven't seen her in almost two years so I'm very excited about getting to spend time with her and the good thing is, when I'm busy and out visiting, I hardly eat at all so I'll be sure to not be all bloated and miserable by Saturday! ha ha!!
So, just thought I'd post a little something on here to let you all know I'm doing well. Weights well, health is well (as far as I know, haven't heard on my liver enzymes) and work is well, albeit a tad busy these days. Which is good, it makes the time pass quicker. Love and kisses til next time....
Yes, I'm still fighting those dratted "boredom munchies". You know, where even though you're busy at work, your still restless and so you pop in a few crackers or a couple of gummi bears and before you know it, you've eaten non-stop for hours? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Today has been one of those days, but I was actually able to lose two pounds over the past few days and am comfortably at 126 lbs. as of this morning. My next doctors appointment (18 months!) is next month and I am determined to weigh the same (124) or less than when I had my one-year check up. It's a goal that I'm setting. I went online yesterday and ordered "The 5-day Pouch Test" by Kaye Bailey. It's a program that's supposed to detox gastric bypass patients when they've fallen off the protein-wagon. I've gotten way too comfy with those carbs and crackers and fruit are bad, bad, bad to me. Well, I love em. And they taste great. And eating so much protein all the time gets sooooo boring. And, I'm really good about making excuses, aren't I? Pretty impressive, I bet you're thinking. But, when I think about it, I think I'm doing almost every thing right. I'm recognizing when I'm starting to get out of control and doing something about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse. Besides, I have a wedding to go to next Saturday and I plan on looking radiant!! My only drawback is, my hubby is playing ball that day and can't go with me. And, Brittany's gonna be off with Matt, so I need a date. A female date. Any takers? Actually, with the exception of being nervous about driving home from somewhere out in the boonies late at night by myself, I'm cool with going by myself to this wedding because this is a family I know very well and I get to see one of my best friends ever!!! And, I haven't seen her in almost two years so I'm very excited about getting to spend time with her and the good thing is, when I'm busy and out visiting, I hardly eat at all so I'll be sure to not be all bloated and miserable by Saturday! ha ha!!
So, just thought I'd post a little something on here to let you all know I'm doing well. Weights well, health is well (as far as I know, haven't heard on my liver enzymes) and work is well, albeit a tad busy these days. Which is good, it makes the time pass quicker. Love and kisses til next time....
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Yes, I'm still here...(07/22/2009)
Hello world...yes, I'm still here and life has suddenly taken a turn for the better! It's funny, isn't it, how the emotional side of life is what seems to effect everything else in our lives. The greatest news we've had is that Lou finally found a job. And, not only did he find a job, but it's actually a GOOD job and he's liking it. So far, so good! He started on July 6th and life is suddenly infinitely better! I can actually pay a few bills without wondering if we'll have food on the table by the end of the month. For me, not having a lot of food is okay, but for Lou and Brittany, that becomes an issue.
I am remaining the same, weight wise, but my brain still tells me I am fat. I go back and forth on this carb roller-coaster which absolutely drives me insane. I go back and forth between 123-127 lbs. Normal people have fluctuations in their weight, just like I do. The minute that scale hits 126 or 127, I go into panic mode. But, within a day or two I have the weight back down a few pounds. I am still a scale whore. I'm on there every morning and every night. I don't plan on changing that. It keeps me honest with myself. And, it makes me focus on eating healthy throughout the day. I've been tired lately. More than tired, actually. I've been exhausted. I was thinking about that today and wondering why. I am getting in my minimal amount of proteins per day, BUT I am having them with my protein smoothie every morning and then I don't have much protein the rest of the day. That is where I think I am failing right now. I need to back away quickly from those dreaded carbs again and focus on 75% of what I eat is supposed to be protein. Plus, although 50grams of protein is my minimum requirements, I should be eating about 90-100grams of protein a day by now. Instead, I am filling up on calories that don't do my body good. So, time again to refocus on the health issues and not the hunger cravings. And, sugar. Oh Lordy...we won't go there. Let's just say, miniature candy bars and low fat ice cream are too much temptation for this little sugar ho!!!
So, healthwise, I still have a few issues I am battling, but nothing major. I went in for my yearly female physical and all came out well there, even the mammogram. Well, two mammograms actually. The doctor wanted to take a second set of x-rays because of "shadowing" in the first set of films. He told me I have "busy" breasts...lol. Basically, I have a lot of patterns and veins running through them. I told him it wasn't nice of him to flatten them when they've already gone through enough abuse over the past year with the weight loss. Thank goodness they don't point to the ground, at least! Let's just say, they're not fluffy anymore! lol
The only think that came back a little sketchy were my blood tests. For one, my potassium was a bit low so they put me on a pill for that. Problem solved there. The 2nd thing, my liver enzymes were a bit high. Now, this could be caused from the vicodin I take nightly for my fibromyalgia pain. However, remember I was popping these things like candy during the six weeks I had that stent in for the kidney stones. So, by taking so many of them and them being mixed with acetaminophen, well that can cause elevated liver enzymes. So, they changed my prescription to a different med called Norco and I am also taking some pills I bought over the counter called "Liver Detox" which is supposed to help your liver function better. I am supposed to go get blood tests this week, so I'll have to do that sometime this week or next. Hopefully, the next set of tests come back with a more normal liver enzyme count. If not, they will do an ultrasound of my liver and depending what that says, have me see a gastroenterologist. Whew...that was a mouthful. Anyways, I'm tired of doctors so I'm hoping the tests come back better. But, we'll see, I guess.
Brittany is working with me at my job. She was responsible for cleaning out this little house we call the apartment, which we use for storage and then she is in the process of painting it. She has complained every step of the way. She absolutely hates the work. She likes the money, but not the work. She makes me crazy. She was originally supposed to work from 8-2 every day, but I am luck if I get four hours out of her. Her car is also broken down right now, so she is using mine while I drive one of the company pickups. I like driving the truck - it's kind of fun. But, she complains about her car being broke down too. Teenagers....nothing is good enough, you know? lol
So, that's it. I am still keeping the weight off. Recently, I heard a comment was made about me that I would be fat again in four years, just wait and see. I was so livid when I heard that comment. Why do people feel the need to hurt people? Obviously, my goal is not to be fat again in four years. But, on the chance that I am, what difference does this make to the person that made this comment? Fat or thin, I'm still me. I'm still the same little sarcastic, wise ass little blond that I have always been and will always be. My weight doesn't change anything. For every insecurity I had as a fat person, I have just as many for being a thin person. I could sit and pick apart my self and list all my many flaws. As far as that goes, I could pick apart just about any one and list their flaws. But, I would never do that. I don't know. Sometimes, I just don't get people. Why can't they just be supportive? Like the saying goes, "If you can't say something positive, just don't say anything at all". That's what I try to live by. I don't always succeed, but I never purposely set out to hurt anyone.
There's no crackers left in my office....and I'm going CRAZY!! I want them so bad....I'm a crackaholic...no, wait....that sounds totally bad! Let's change that to carbaholic...yeah, that works...lol
Til next time ...
I am remaining the same, weight wise, but my brain still tells me I am fat. I go back and forth on this carb roller-coaster which absolutely drives me insane. I go back and forth between 123-127 lbs. Normal people have fluctuations in their weight, just like I do. The minute that scale hits 126 or 127, I go into panic mode. But, within a day or two I have the weight back down a few pounds. I am still a scale whore. I'm on there every morning and every night. I don't plan on changing that. It keeps me honest with myself. And, it makes me focus on eating healthy throughout the day. I've been tired lately. More than tired, actually. I've been exhausted. I was thinking about that today and wondering why. I am getting in my minimal amount of proteins per day, BUT I am having them with my protein smoothie every morning and then I don't have much protein the rest of the day. That is where I think I am failing right now. I need to back away quickly from those dreaded carbs again and focus on 75% of what I eat is supposed to be protein. Plus, although 50grams of protein is my minimum requirements, I should be eating about 90-100grams of protein a day by now. Instead, I am filling up on calories that don't do my body good. So, time again to refocus on the health issues and not the hunger cravings. And, sugar. Oh Lordy...we won't go there. Let's just say, miniature candy bars and low fat ice cream are too much temptation for this little sugar ho!!!
So, healthwise, I still have a few issues I am battling, but nothing major. I went in for my yearly female physical and all came out well there, even the mammogram. Well, two mammograms actually. The doctor wanted to take a second set of x-rays because of "shadowing" in the first set of films. He told me I have "busy" breasts...lol. Basically, I have a lot of patterns and veins running through them. I told him it wasn't nice of him to flatten them when they've already gone through enough abuse over the past year with the weight loss. Thank goodness they don't point to the ground, at least! Let's just say, they're not fluffy anymore! lol
The only think that came back a little sketchy were my blood tests. For one, my potassium was a bit low so they put me on a pill for that. Problem solved there. The 2nd thing, my liver enzymes were a bit high. Now, this could be caused from the vicodin I take nightly for my fibromyalgia pain. However, remember I was popping these things like candy during the six weeks I had that stent in for the kidney stones. So, by taking so many of them and them being mixed with acetaminophen, well that can cause elevated liver enzymes. So, they changed my prescription to a different med called Norco and I am also taking some pills I bought over the counter called "Liver Detox" which is supposed to help your liver function better. I am supposed to go get blood tests this week, so I'll have to do that sometime this week or next. Hopefully, the next set of tests come back with a more normal liver enzyme count. If not, they will do an ultrasound of my liver and depending what that says, have me see a gastroenterologist. Whew...that was a mouthful. Anyways, I'm tired of doctors so I'm hoping the tests come back better. But, we'll see, I guess.
Brittany is working with me at my job. She was responsible for cleaning out this little house we call the apartment, which we use for storage and then she is in the process of painting it. She has complained every step of the way. She absolutely hates the work. She likes the money, but not the work. She makes me crazy. She was originally supposed to work from 8-2 every day, but I am luck if I get four hours out of her. Her car is also broken down right now, so she is using mine while I drive one of the company pickups. I like driving the truck - it's kind of fun. But, she complains about her car being broke down too. Teenagers....nothing is good enough, you know? lol
So, that's it. I am still keeping the weight off. Recently, I heard a comment was made about me that I would be fat again in four years, just wait and see. I was so livid when I heard that comment. Why do people feel the need to hurt people? Obviously, my goal is not to be fat again in four years. But, on the chance that I am, what difference does this make to the person that made this comment? Fat or thin, I'm still me. I'm still the same little sarcastic, wise ass little blond that I have always been and will always be. My weight doesn't change anything. For every insecurity I had as a fat person, I have just as many for being a thin person. I could sit and pick apart my self and list all my many flaws. As far as that goes, I could pick apart just about any one and list their flaws. But, I would never do that. I don't know. Sometimes, I just don't get people. Why can't they just be supportive? Like the saying goes, "If you can't say something positive, just don't say anything at all". That's what I try to live by. I don't always succeed, but I never purposely set out to hurt anyone.
There's no crackers left in my office....and I'm going CRAZY!! I want them so bad....I'm a crackaholic...no, wait....that sounds totally bad! Let's change that to carbaholic...yeah, that works...lol
Til next time ...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Wow, it's been awhile (05/15/09)
They say that time flies when you're having fun - well, unbeknownst to me, I must have been having a blast because it's been five months since my last post on here! Wow!! So, a lot has gone one since January - I don't know if I can remember it all and more importantly, convey it on here!
Much has changed in my life since January, yet some things remain the same. I guess I will address some of the personal changes, which will then lead in to my current struggles and triumphs. So, as I posted earlier - my husband got laid off from him job back in November. Nothing has changed on that front. He is still not working.
My daughter has found a new boyfriend and she is "in love". I think this will be the boy she marries some day. I can't describe what is different in this relationship, but it is definitely different. I am, emotionally, having a very hard time with this. I feel neglected and unloved. I know that is stupid and I know that she loves me. She is doing what she is supposed to be doing. She is growing up. But, I have dedicated my whole life to this child and now, suddenly, she doesn't need me and I am lost. My first impulse? To eat. Or, to put it in the correct terms, to eat everything I can stuff down my throat and then try to stuff some more. I'll go into this in more detail later.
Kidney stones: They're finally gone! I underwent two lithotripsy procedures, both which were pretty uncomfortable. Well, actually, the only thing that was really bad was the stent which I wore for six weeks. This is a tube that went from my kidney to my bladder to aid in the stones being able to pass. All it did was put pressure on my bladder, which in turn caused a lot of pain AND often, to cause me to pee my pants. So, on the 28th of April, they did another x-ray and the awful stent was removed!! Quite the experience, both because there was no way I could have any sense of modesty when you're spread eagle on a table with nothing covering you and because, after being in there for six weeks, the dratted stent had made itself pretty comfy and it hurt like hell to remove! Ugh! I hope to never go through any of that ever again.
So, there have been lots of other things going on in my life over the past five months, some very good, some not. But, this blog is more about my struggles with weight and my journey in losing the weight and keeping it off. So, this is where I'm at right now.
I love carbs. There's no denying it. Like most, if not all gbs patients, carbs go down easy and they taste sooooo good. So, that is what I am struggling with. Now, if I tell you my weight and size, you will simply look at me and say, "what are you struggling with?". So, here goes - I'm 126 lbs. and I'm in a size 4/5 pants. My goal was 125 lbs., which I reached back in November. So, according to the numbers, I'm doing great.
My brain does not agree. Realistically, I'm right where I am supposed to be. BUT....I had gotten down to 119 lbs. right after the first lithotripsy procedure. I even felt I was too thin at that weight. At the 2nd lithotripsy, I was 121 lbs. Still great. Over the course of the past two weeks, I've suddenly jumped up to 129 lbs. I've managed to lose three of those and am determined to get back down to 120 lbs. To most, 3-5 lbs. is not a big deal. To me, it is EVERYTHING. I am sooo terrified of gaining any weight back, I'd rather be underweight that one pound over my goal. It's how my brain works nowadays. People can tell me I'm too skinny or too bony and I feel PROUD. Yes, it's true. I don't care if it's true - I'm not fat, and that's all that matters.
I am struggling with my daughter growing up. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for me and it seems like it has happened overnight. I love her boyfriend. He is a sweetheart and he treats her wonderfully. I'm happy for her. I really am. But, I'm lost now. I've lost my best friend. Fortunately, I have some adult best friends that help me tremendously to keep my head above water when I feel like giving up.
My job brought in a consultant to go through our processes and help me learn some cost accounting stuff. That's all fine and dandy. But, I take it personally and feel stupid. Realistically, it's a great benefit to me because I'm learning something new and that can only benefit me in the future. And, honestly, it's actually fun to learn some new stuff. But, I still feel stupid. That's something I hate about myself. I need that self confidence. So, what do I want to do when I'm down on myself? Eat!! Do you see the trend here?
So, that is where I'm at these days. I'm struggling to get back on track and stop the all-day snacking because that is going to catch up with me in the end. I have found that I can eat some sugars way too easily, so I am staying away from them at all costs. My blood pressure has been running low, so the docs are watching that. I went from having a pressure of 155/100 to 98/65. I get dizzy easily, especially if I stand up too quickly.
So, that's about it. I am now on the maintaining phase of this amazing journey and although I struggle from day to day, this is the way my life will be for the rest of my days. These are the same struggles most women go through. I am fortunate that I have been blessed with this surgery that makes this struggle a little easier. It's not the cure-all, but it is my tool to make it through this journey as the winner. Now, if I can just figure out how to handle all the emotional sides of things these days, all in life will be golden...
Til next time ....
Much has changed in my life since January, yet some things remain the same. I guess I will address some of the personal changes, which will then lead in to my current struggles and triumphs. So, as I posted earlier - my husband got laid off from him job back in November. Nothing has changed on that front. He is still not working.
My daughter has found a new boyfriend and she is "in love". I think this will be the boy she marries some day. I can't describe what is different in this relationship, but it is definitely different. I am, emotionally, having a very hard time with this. I feel neglected and unloved. I know that is stupid and I know that she loves me. She is doing what she is supposed to be doing. She is growing up. But, I have dedicated my whole life to this child and now, suddenly, she doesn't need me and I am lost. My first impulse? To eat. Or, to put it in the correct terms, to eat everything I can stuff down my throat and then try to stuff some more. I'll go into this in more detail later.
Kidney stones: They're finally gone! I underwent two lithotripsy procedures, both which were pretty uncomfortable. Well, actually, the only thing that was really bad was the stent which I wore for six weeks. This is a tube that went from my kidney to my bladder to aid in the stones being able to pass. All it did was put pressure on my bladder, which in turn caused a lot of pain AND often, to cause me to pee my pants. So, on the 28th of April, they did another x-ray and the awful stent was removed!! Quite the experience, both because there was no way I could have any sense of modesty when you're spread eagle on a table with nothing covering you and because, after being in there for six weeks, the dratted stent had made itself pretty comfy and it hurt like hell to remove! Ugh! I hope to never go through any of that ever again.
So, there have been lots of other things going on in my life over the past five months, some very good, some not. But, this blog is more about my struggles with weight and my journey in losing the weight and keeping it off. So, this is where I'm at right now.
I love carbs. There's no denying it. Like most, if not all gbs patients, carbs go down easy and they taste sooooo good. So, that is what I am struggling with. Now, if I tell you my weight and size, you will simply look at me and say, "what are you struggling with?". So, here goes - I'm 126 lbs. and I'm in a size 4/5 pants. My goal was 125 lbs., which I reached back in November. So, according to the numbers, I'm doing great.
My brain does not agree. Realistically, I'm right where I am supposed to be. BUT....I had gotten down to 119 lbs. right after the first lithotripsy procedure. I even felt I was too thin at that weight. At the 2nd lithotripsy, I was 121 lbs. Still great. Over the course of the past two weeks, I've suddenly jumped up to 129 lbs. I've managed to lose three of those and am determined to get back down to 120 lbs. To most, 3-5 lbs. is not a big deal. To me, it is EVERYTHING. I am sooo terrified of gaining any weight back, I'd rather be underweight that one pound over my goal. It's how my brain works nowadays. People can tell me I'm too skinny or too bony and I feel PROUD. Yes, it's true. I don't care if it's true - I'm not fat, and that's all that matters.
I am struggling with my daughter growing up. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for me and it seems like it has happened overnight. I love her boyfriend. He is a sweetheart and he treats her wonderfully. I'm happy for her. I really am. But, I'm lost now. I've lost my best friend. Fortunately, I have some adult best friends that help me tremendously to keep my head above water when I feel like giving up.
My job brought in a consultant to go through our processes and help me learn some cost accounting stuff. That's all fine and dandy. But, I take it personally and feel stupid. Realistically, it's a great benefit to me because I'm learning something new and that can only benefit me in the future. And, honestly, it's actually fun to learn some new stuff. But, I still feel stupid. That's something I hate about myself. I need that self confidence. So, what do I want to do when I'm down on myself? Eat!! Do you see the trend here?
So, that is where I'm at these days. I'm struggling to get back on track and stop the all-day snacking because that is going to catch up with me in the end. I have found that I can eat some sugars way too easily, so I am staying away from them at all costs. My blood pressure has been running low, so the docs are watching that. I went from having a pressure of 155/100 to 98/65. I get dizzy easily, especially if I stand up too quickly.
So, that's about it. I am now on the maintaining phase of this amazing journey and although I struggle from day to day, this is the way my life will be for the rest of my days. These are the same struggles most women go through. I am fortunate that I have been blessed with this surgery that makes this struggle a little easier. It's not the cure-all, but it is my tool to make it through this journey as the winner. Now, if I can just figure out how to handle all the emotional sides of things these days, all in life will be golden...
Til next time ....
Friday, January 9, 2009
I made it through the holidays (01/09/09)
Well, I am happy to report that I made it through the holidays and have lost about 3 lbs. in the process. I now weigh my goal weight of 125 lbs. It's exciting to actually see that on the scale, yet I stare in disbelief some days, unable to comprehend that it's a reality now. My mother-in-law bought me a nice suit/dress in a size 6. I looked at it and thought for sure that there was no way it was going to fit, especially on top. But, I tried it on and it fit perfectly. I was elated!!
Our Thanksgiving was wonderful and the food turned out excellently. I enjoyed every bite and I sent most of the leftovers home with my niece and her room mates. My husband is obsessed with leftovers - if they are in the refrigerator, he wants to eat them, even if it means every meal of the day. I, on the other hand, will only eat something twice. And, even then, it has to be really good (like pot roast or turkey) for me to want to eat it a 2nd time. I eventually end up throwing food away so that I can cook something else without having to listen to my husband rant & rave about there being leftovers in the refrigerator.
Christmas was good - the food didn't quite turn out as planned, but again I sent it home with my niece who appreciated every morsel. I have found myself fighting with some old habits, like wanting to graze or snack on foods. I especially love my crackers still and for awhile there, I go away from the fat-free ones and was eating the regular saltines. I also got out of the habit of limiting how many I had as well as drinking my protein shakes. So, this week I have started back on the protein shakes each morning and am limiting what I eat to 5 times a day. I think it's just the winter time and my being bored with the weather. Today, the sun is actually shining and I may even go for a walk along the levee during my lunch hour.
New Years was quiet and we just stayed home. We sat up and watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve which has been our routine for many years. I think I finally fell asleep around 1am. Brittany and her girlfriend stayed up with us and we drank a margarita and they, too, were in bed pretty early. I was glad she stayed home so I didn't have to worry about her being on the road with drunk drivers.
I cut my hair so that it's now shoulder length and colored it a mixture of dark blonde, light blonde and red. I really like the color. The length is much easier for me to deal with and it seems like I'm losing less, but that could just be because there's not so much to comb through. It's still very thin and doesn't style at all, so I just put gel in it and push it back. It looks okay for the moment. I think I may end up cutting it just a little shorter, even though Lou and Britt don't want me to.
I'm having an upset stomach off and on for the past several weeks. I think it could be stress and I think that I sometimes push the limits of what my pouch can hold. However, I'm still losing weight and doing well, so I can't possibly be over eating. I've had a couple incidences of vomiting (my pouch does NOT like key lime pie), especially with sweets. If they are natural sweets, like cherries or grapes, I usually do okay. But, refined sugars are a big no-no. Honestly, that's how I want my body to react so that I will stay away from those types of sugars. I still think of myself as a diabetic and am making good food choices. I'm also very religious about taking my vitamins and mineral supplements. My skin, with the help of my Mary Kay skin care, is doing great. It's much less oily and it just looks really smooth.
Well, that's where I'm at for now. I hope everyone had a great holiday off. I had two weeks off of work, which was wonderful in some ways because it was nice to sleep in and do what i wanted, but boring as well because we're broke and it's cold and ugly outside, so there wasn't much to do. I am reading the Twilight series of books and am on book 4, so that kept me busy at least part of the time.
Enjoy your January Ya All!
Til next time....
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