I'm angry & I want to eat!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So, the past two or three weeks have been nothing but stress for me and today, I was pushed to the limit by dealing with AT&T and all I want to do is eat!! I realize now just how much I relied on food to sooth my weary soul! I went online today to set up my payment for my phone bill for November 10th. Instead the damned website took my payment and processed it today! Now, I have to play hoola-hoops with my other payments because I can't pay them until I get paid next week. I am soooooooooo tired of dealing with money issues. I'm tired of working my ass off to barely pay the bills. We can't afford to do anything. Even going out to dinner anymore, as a family, is too expensive. We're not big spenders, we don't travel, we don't have exorbitant tastes in anything. I spend money on normal things a family needs - food and clothing and shelter. Yes, we have direct TV. OMG! We're so selfish like that!! Our cars are old and nothing fancy. How do all these people do it that only have the man working???? We make good money and yet, we struggle every month to make ends meet. Yes, we have a lot of credit card debt. How else can I afford clothes for me and Brittany? I had to buy new clothes with my weight loss. There was no option there. I went down seven sizes. I couldn't make what I had fit any more. I even bought a lot of my clothes off of e-bay. I cook dinner every night and I eat leftovers or soup for lunch. I don't go out to eat. Oh wait, I get my nails done every two or three weeks and that costs me $15. Well, that explains everything right there. Okay, I know I'm being negative. I need to get it out of my system and I can't go eat something. I am not going to get back into those old habits. I just wish, for once in my life, I could afford the things I want and not have to struggle. I have a good life but money takes all of the joy out of it. I'm stressed ALL THE TIME and with that stress, I become a total raving bitch. I get jealous, I get resentful. What can I possibly do to make my life better and not work myself into an early grave??? Ugh. You know what I want? I want to sit down with a plate full of brownies and vanilla ice cream smothered in caramel sauce. That's what the old me would have done. You know what, though? It actually doesn't even sound appealing. And I'd be sooooo sick if I even tried. Sometimes it's tempting though. I just know I'd end up feeling worse - both physically ill and the guilt of doing something like that after working so hard to lose nearly 100 lbs. would tear me up. So, I guess I have to keep on keeping on. I have no choice. And, tonight I have doctors appointments and then am helping my sister-in-law with some paperwork on health insurances. What I really want is to go sit in a hot tub so my aching back will stop hurting. My kidney stones have been causing me a great deal of pain today too. Wow....I'm one miserable piece of work, aren't I? lol...okay, enough of my venting. Till next time....

Ah, Wednesday...one step closer to the weekend! It has been a busy week already with lots to do every night of the week. This evening my daughter has a powderpuff game at 7:30, so at least I will have time to make dinner before heading over to the high school. I'm a little concerned because they are playing the senior girls and one of the girls has got it out for Brittany. She's heard that she has talked a group of the seniors into tackling Brittany at one time. The thing is, this girl stole Brittany's boyfriend from her back in May so I don't understand why this girl has a grudge against Brittany when SHE is the one that did the backstabbing. Granted, Brittany hasn't exactly been friendly to her (well, duh) but Britt hasn't done anything to her. So, it will be interesting to see how the evening plays itself out and if mama bear here has to get involved. Let's hope not - it's not pretty when I get aggravated in public! lol

I was going through a plateau for about 10 days and just lost another pound this morning after maintaining for awhile. I think this is because I concentrated on proteins yesterday instead of so many carbs. I have got to kick the carb habit. Right now, it's not really hurting me other than making me maintain instead of lose, but these habits can cause major problems down the road. I am so scared of gaining any weight back. Once I hit my goal (8 lbs. to go!! woot woot!) I don't want to ever gain more than five pounds back. I continue to lose weight in my ass, which is pretty much skin over bone at this point in time.

I went and had dental work on Monday night and just lying in the same position on the torture chair made my ass hurt. Oh well, I guess that took my mind off the fact that they were drilling half of my tooth away (I broke another tooth from constantly grinding my teeth!!). Very difficult to switch positions on the chair though when smoke is coming out of your mouth and they jack hammering away in there!!

I just completed my 4-week course in "Make-up Application" with Mary Kay. I had fun and it was wonderful having my bff Cathy with me as my model. Cathy also had the gastric bypass surgery in January and is down 101 pounds. I am so proud of her and she's so beautiful! I am glad she's finally seeing her beauty which I've always seen. Cathy's got an inner glow about her and the biggest heart of anyone I know. Lord knows, this woman has always been there for me and helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. She is and will always be beautiful in my eyes. I am just so happy for her that she's seeing it for herself now!

Hmmm....I promised myself to stay away from carbs and now I'm eating grapes...what's wrong with this picture? lol...ah, let the battle continue....

Too Skinny...Wait...What? (10-01-08)

I am now 9 lbs. above my goal of 125 lbs. and two people have told me that I should not lose any more weight...yet, I look in the mirror and yes, my legs are thin & my wrists are thin and yet, there is still a tire around my belly. Nine more pounds in that area would be wonderful! There is no way I am going to stop losing weight when I am only 9 lbs. away from a weight that I have been dreaming of for years! I do not care if I look like a stick, I want to weigh 125 lbs! It's what I weighed when I graduated high school. I know it is "Just a number", but it is MY number! I am not consciously trying to lose anymore weight. I am only trying to eat healthy. I eat good, low fat, sugar free foods. I am not going to change those habits in order to stop losing weight or, heaven forbid, gain any weight back. I think, once I start going to the gym and lifting weights, I will not look so bony and hopefully, I will get some curves back!

It is rare that I get ill anymore, thank goodness. I have learned to slow down and to recognize when I am full. There are times when the food tastes so danged good, I want to devour it. But, I don't. I make myself stop because I can feel the nausea coming on. One more bite and I will be visiting the restroom. I haven't had an incident yet where someone else was in the restroom when I've gotten sick, thank goodness.

Fall is finally here!! I can't wait to pair some cute jeans with sweaters and my new little jacket! I will be glad when the weight stabilizes so that I can buy some pants and know that they will be fitting me from now on. I'm kind of a 7/8 right now, but some 8's are too big. My hardest thing to deal with is my breasts. Although I wear a D-cup, they don't fit in the bra correctly because they're so flat and bendy. There's no volume to them. I will def need a breast lift and implants when this is all over and done with, big boobs are part of who I am and I feel a little lost right now!

Well, off to devour dinner since it's way past my normal dinner time. Til next time...